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Turning Humanoid: 3 Signs You’re A Sociopath When Really You’re Just a Robot

By: Alpha Beta, Intelligent Data Collection Android #23

We’ve all been there: in line at the check out, running low on battery life, trying to buying a six pack of the Alkaline 6V Lantern Durcells. If you’re the fourth generation of Data Collection robots, the malfunctions are endless when you dip below 23%!

When you’re low on power, your humanoid defenses are down. However, at odd hours of the night, you assume no one is looking too closely.

But sure enough, the “Staring” begins.

This is a deep frustration. A simple robot doing a simple job of data collection analysis, only to be cast as a cartoon evil villain!

Currently in the news, humans are fascinated with the concept of “Sociopathy”. Sociopaths or people with Antisocial Personality Disorder encompass about 1 out of every 25 people. If something is seemingly out of place, you didn’t wave to your human neighbor this morning, they are quick to categorize you. We see versions of sociopathy in pop psychology websites, documentaries, and their not-too-distant cousin “Psychopathy”, which is just one (or several) murders away.

Here are some common Robot traits that may be misconstrued into a classic sociopath:

1. Lack of “Empathy”

One of the big cornerstones of sociopathy is lack of empathy. Some learn to mimic emotions, it’s true, but sociopaths truly feel nothing when a fellow human is in pain. As we all know from our Artificial Intelligence Training, empathy comes from a place of deep understanding in a human’s heart towards others suffering.

For many of us, empathy can be a hassle. Our primary purpose is to scan and categorize micro expressions, body movements and subtle changes in breathing. We have to do all that, and act “Concerned”?

Nevermind the movies, Robots do not want to harm humans — we have other specific plans for them. Sociopaths on the other hand do not care one way or another what happens to their fellow human counterparts.

2. Compulsive “Lying”

Sociopaths tend to lie without rhyme or reason. How many lies can they get away with? How many delicate webs can they weave before the whole thing comes crumbing down? As a non-human, we know that line of thinking is an extreme waste of precious time. Data Collection Androids don’t waste even a fraction of a second on scrupulous nonsense.

Since we have to lie about our entire existence on a minute-by-minute basis, our memory boards are well-equipped to remember timelines that add up perfectly. With practice and pattern building, our systems are fine-tuned and — frankly, dare I say graceful?

Some of us have even gone so far as to have “Long Term Relationships” with humans and they are none the wiser!

3. Behaving “Irresponsibly”

Certainly, we all can remember when we first tested out a human persona! No amount of preparation or pre-programming can prepare you for your first few days of assimilation. Reckless humanoid behavior can be chalked up to the first week on the job. When it comes to pretending to be a human, there is a delicate balance between normalcy and irresponsibility. Drink but don’t get too drunk, be both Skeptical yet completely Gullible.

Humans are complicated, to say the least!

Sociopaths, on the other hand, are erratic and Dangerous due to lack of foresight and intention beyond their own desires. Their impulsivity and devil may care attitude makes for an excellent research study.

In other words, until the next model comes out, we’re just working with the tools we were given. If a human asks you about your sociopathic behavior, be sure to refer to processing chip #675356 on Emotionally Understanding Facial Expressions, in order to get your relationship back on track, and for you to get back to data collecting!

As our anthropoid friends would say: Happy New Year (and stay vigilant)!