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Turning Humanoid: Top 4 Signs a Human Is In Love With You

By Plexi Glass, Primate Researcher Android #16541

Fellow Humanoids, we all know what Robot-Love is: a disaster of epic proportions. We short-circuit, malfunction, and in some circumstances create irreversible damage that can cause permanent termination. Love happens for robots when there’s a chemical leak or a breech in our database. As evidence from the 2029 Robot Wars, Love can cause unmeasurable casualties. However, let us not dwell in the horrific past!

Interestingly, when humans are in Love, you may find yourself in the same senseless disaster. Human-Love is a strange, unfathomable accumulation of elemental factors. The quickening of the organic heart beat, the senseless gift giving… the list goes on and on.

Here are 4 signs a human is in Love with you (and what you can do to Avoid it!)

1. Heart Palpitations + Pupils Dilating

Before you say anything, I know! We were all taught in Reading Humans 101 that signs of a quickening heartbeat and changes in pupils meant Fear. And in some extreme circumstances, it could mean having a literal heart attack. Because of a human’s limited capacity of expression, it can also mean that a human is falling in Love with you. When a human is “falling for you” (figuratively, not literally) they exhibit these symptoms among others.

During this phase of Love, it’s best to ignore it completely. Unlike our highly advanced system, humans are not capable of picking up these subtle cues, so you shouldn’t make a verbal note of it either. Only when they start stammering, you should take action.

If you hear, “I… I… (Followed by “Love you”), quickly reach in your pocket and pull out their favorite snack and shove it in their face. Alternatively, you could pretend you have to vomit and quickly leave the room.

BE ABSOLUTELY SURE they do not finish the sentence, otherwise you’ll be obliged to say it back.

2. Deleting Other Friendships to Be With You

As we know, social interaction is pivotal for human survival. Unlike robots, where we can sit in suspended animation for eons, humans get restless after only a few hours. That is why humans often have a variety of complicated friendship structures at their disposal. Many brunches are to be had (How many mimosas can one human digest!), or sporting events are to be yelled at.

When you discover their schedule is being modified to engage with you, be forewarned. Are their friends noticing that your human subject isn’t engaging with them anymore? Pick up on Passive-Aggressiveness their friends exhibit via social media, and make a note.

In order to avoid interacting with them more, be sure to be perpetually busy in a highly vague way. Do not give too much detail just in case your human decides to“Spontaneously Surprise” you at work.

3. Constant and Relentless Intimacy

Unlike other mammals, humans crave strange Intimacy. The prolonged eye contact, the incessant texting — it never ends! If you are assigned to your human for a prolonged period of time (we’ve all had those internships!), this can be quite cumbersome. This Neediness needs to be remedied as soon as possible.

Take a moment and research some 100% neutral responses that end conversations before they begin. If they say things like, “I’ve been thinking about you”, or “ You’re so cute”, try responding with some of these examples: “Oh, that’s nice.”, “I understand”, or “I’ll get back to you!”

Your human won’t give up easily (love is a terrifying beast) but they won’t be actively engaged either.

4. They’re Ready for the “Next Level”

This could mean a number of things, depending on the human and their own specific baggage. Next level could mean engaging in Sexual Activities, but it could also mean a weekend-getaway, introducing you to their parents, or baking you a batch of their secret muffins. Gauge their stress hormones that they exhibit while presenting you with these options. Are they giggling nervously? Their eyes are shifting around the room?

These signs could be they are about to murder you — or pure, limitless Love.

As our anthropoid friends would say: Happy Valentines Day (and stay vigilant)!

Need more information on how to be a human? Look no further: