Patience

I woke up today in pain. There was a suffering within me that lacked familiarity. I was hurting, yet hopeful. I felt weak, but knew there was something stronger holding me together. It was difficult to get out of bed…extremely difficult. I was tired…so tired…from hours of anxiety-driven tossing-and-turning, wondering and waiting. It was impatience that kept good rest away from me. Knowing my strength alone could not motivate me to move, or to even breathe, I got on my knees and prayed. I trust You. I need You. I am Nothing without You. I got up. Thoughts continued their attack as I chose to get up and live today. I fasted in acknowledgement that bread alone cannot nourish me. Upon arrival at work, I found a secluded corner in my classroom hidden by the shadow of the podium, and again, I fell to my knees. This is not about me. I hurt for selfish reasons. Let me focus on what’s outside of me. Let me love regardless of this pain. I got up. I encouraged. I taught. I loved. After two hours, I felt drained, and God provided a break. I closed the doors. I dimmed the light. I longed for the space that welcomed me with peace. I fell to my knees. I realize the intimacy of being on one’s knees. Defeated surrender. Defeated by the world, surrender to the Creator. I lifted my hands. Take it. Take it all. I trust You. I don’t know anything. You can have it all. It is in Your hands. Now I write. Defeated, surrendered, and at peace. Suffering-led growth. I no longer hurt. I no longer pain. I hope and pray and trust and obey. And I know that everything will be okay.

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