27 Real Ways to Be a Modern Man

Oct 1, 2015 · 2 min read
  1. Always eat cheese on Saturdays.
  2. Wax your right toe prior to jerking off.
  3. Mix egg yolks with semolina as a natural exfoliant.
  4. Marry your iPhone and renew your vows with each upgrade.
  5. Write poetry in your neighbour’s blood.
  6. Buy a freezer, name it Richard.
  7. Call your ex-wife up (your old iPhone) and tell them how much you value their touch.
  8. When you stain your curtains, be sure to remove it by gently caressing them.
  9. Store your door knobs in makeshift tupperware fashioned from Play-Doh.
  10. Cheat on your iPhones with a Samsung Galaxy — they eat ass.
  11. Before you sleep, be sure to chant “I must enhance my personal brand” whilst focusing on your crown.
  12. Crack your knees after someone greets you in the street.
  13. Never greet others in the street.
  14. Read Breitbart, call it “Breitfart”. Pause for laughter.
  15. Pretend you’ve never heard of Ina Garten.
  16. Start a puppy mill, but give all the puppies to Tim Cook as a dowry.
  17. During yoga class, start chanting “kali maa, kali maa.”
  18. When attempting modern vision quests, you must sedate yourself with Drywall.
  19. Wink at every cat you see.
  20. Bathe in baked beans for that true neo-spa experience.
  21. Shave an ankh into your pubes and post it on Instagram with the hashtag #tbt.
  22. Do kegels with your balls — this is how all the pros beef up.
  23. Scratch your neck.
  24. Write a concept album with J Mascis about scratching your neck.
  25. Make out with J Mascis so he will write an album about you.
  26. Try farting 62 times per day, it’ll cleanse your chakras.
  27. Open the window and coo like a pigeon until you figure out what the fuck you’re doing with your life.


Written by


Freelance writer. As seen in The Guardian, Pitchfork, Rolling Stone, Playboy, and your nightmares. @SarahSahim

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