27 Real Ways to Be a Modern Man
Oct 1, 2015 · 2 min read
- Always eat cheese on Saturdays.
- Wax your right toe prior to jerking off.
- Mix egg yolks with semolina as a natural exfoliant.
- Marry your iPhone and renew your vows with each upgrade.
- Write poetry in your neighbour’s blood.
- Buy a freezer, name it Richard.
- Call your ex-wife up (your old iPhone) and tell them how much you value their touch.
- When you stain your curtains, be sure to remove it by gently caressing them.
- Store your door knobs in makeshift tupperware fashioned from Play-Doh.
- Cheat on your iPhones with a Samsung Galaxy — they eat ass.
- Before you sleep, be sure to chant “I must enhance my personal brand” whilst focusing on your crown.
- Crack your knees after someone greets you in the street.
- Never greet others in the street.
- Read Breitbart, call it “Breitfart”. Pause for laughter.
- Pretend you’ve never heard of Ina Garten.
- Start a puppy mill, but give all the puppies to Tim Cook as a dowry.
- During yoga class, start chanting “kali maa, kali maa.”
- When attempting modern vision quests, you must sedate yourself with Drywall.
- Wink at every cat you see.
- Bathe in baked beans for that true neo-spa experience.
- Shave an ankh into your pubes and post it on Instagram with the hashtag #tbt.
- Do kegels with your balls — this is how all the pros beef up.
- Scratch your neck.
- Write a concept album with J Mascis about scratching your neck.
- Make out with J Mascis so he will write an album about you.
- Try farting 62 times per day, it’ll cleanse your chakras.
- Open the window and coo like a pigeon until you figure out what the fuck you’re doing with your life.
