As each day passes ahead, bizarre feeling may I said, has always been incessantly wreathing my conscious sanity. I didnt know where it came from and when was the time that it walked upon me. Ever since maturity knocked my underpinning paradigm of life, everything that constantly crossed my mind has always become an agitated surge. Fear? obviously no. Anxious? nah. Confuse? nay. Im perfectly doing the same thing of last year’s chores, doing what routines told me so. Schools, studies, reads, writes, sings, sports, and everything per se. But now it feels…different and…delusive. Now it’s like every moments give me a deeper meaning into it. But no matter what i do, my own mind becomes an alien to me.
For instance, when im thinking forward to my graduation and the responsibilities ahead that awaits me make it just way too ineffable. I know what im gonna going through tho; that my real life would actually begin the moment Im entering the next 2.5 years of my studies. In these past 3 years backward of studying medicine, I had always been surprised by many unexpected kind of hurry-scurry everyday lives. Medstud life is a thrill of course. You gotta do every single thing that could never be imagined. Each time flies is a golden ticket for you to break your own limits. Somehow, those unexpected things are yet expected and always be measurable even when you’ve never done it before. You’d somehow get over it much to your horror. But now, I could never imagine the actually unimaginable-yet-imaginable and expect the unexpected-yet-expected of how life will be. Okay let’s just make it simple no? The past 3 years of my life would be like when you watch the adventurous movie, and then you would see the actors are desperately roving to find a new realm of horizon. The actors found it at last; the breathtaking tapestry of nature with the deep valley of mountain ridges and its meandering rivers. They see it clearly. They know how and which way to get there but they know the path would be uneasy. There would be some slippery slopes, stumbling walks, rugged stones here and there but they’ve prepared to trounce it all. They are ready. While the upcoming 2.5 years of my clinical life ahead would be when the actors have found the very same sight beforehand. They know very well what are those classic obstacles they would encounter. But the problem is, they can’t see clearly the contour of the mountains and they can’t objectively measure the very inch depth of the valley nor the length of the river, for the landscape of horizon is now enfolded by a thick layered foggy mist. How could they get rid of the foggy mist away? Find a hidden tranquil spot to solemnly meditating, silently breathing in and out, and finally hopelessly wailing? no time to joke dear, you gotta work your ass off. They will find a way out by hook or by crook. They knew God was testing them for God wants them to be stronger. They would fumble everything within their reach just to look for a steady grip. Much to their dismay, they reluctantly accept the fact that they must grapple with the not-so-friendly mother nature in amidst the thick fog just to be able to survive, and stay still on the right track. It’s totally beyond their league. But what can they do right at the moment? The magnificent scenery that was once make them stunned in awe now has became completely alien to them.
See the difference? You got it now?
Thinking about studies and careers for too long is just like pumping the TNT inside my brain. I love my brain cells I dont want them to die too early lol. And what would come after this? Love? Marriage? What are those things? really. The me attending some of my friends’ wedding party is certainly a quasi-reality of life that never reached the core of my thought. Well I formally do what most people normally do; I came, I ate, I talked, I joked, and I took photos with the highlighted couple of the night but never once I thought that I, would be the one to witness all of my friends doing what I did while im sedately sitting on the grandiose majestically decorated divan for two. That was just…ridiculous and completely…surreal. I know the theory of marriage, I know the theory of love, and I even know the theory of real woman’s responsibility to their men and their children. But it’s just…theory. And yeah. My curiosity stops here. I dont need to get any further than this. I dont want to. Thinking about those stuffs would be like pumping the TNT all over my blood vessels and no way in hell I would do that to my own body…and mind and soul maybe. Well anyway, life is getting serious i think…pfft. And im sure by now that my life afterwards will always be alien to my own.