Break the Silence
In college, I took a Victimology class, and I’m a big fan of films such as “Sleeping with the Enemy” and “Enough”… I know what domestic violence is. But it wasn’t until I experienced it through my mother’s eyes, that I truly felt the pain and the loss, as well as the love and the strength. In 2009, one of my mother’s friends from high school, in a fight for her life, shot and killed her abusive husband after decades of physical and emotional abuse. Six years later, a case against my mother’s friend, Jane, was brought to trial.
I moved back in with my parents around the same time the trial began, and so it was a frequent conversation in our home. My mother was a witness for the defense, as she had seen Jane and her husband on a few occasions after their high school graduation. I, too, became a witness; a witness to devastation, worry, and fear that the jury would convict Jane of murder. To act as a daily reminder, we left an LED candle on for the duration of the trial until the sentencing. Never giving up hope. Never letting our light fade. My mom and I used to take evening walks, discussing the trial as it went on each day, each week. She shared stories with me and helped me to understand who Jane was and what was going on. I then reciprocated by sharing my own insights and empathy, having been in an emotionally abusive relationship myself. My mom and I bonded over the hurt and pain.
Because the trial was local, I heard other people talking about it; talking about “the woman who killed her Olympic medal winner husband.” And I would respond, “If you only knew the whole story, then maybe you would understand!” Not the taking of another life, but of the fear for yours and your child’s lives. It is so easy for people to “say” that they would do anything to save their child’s life. But then they are also quick to negatively judge another when she is forced to take action.
In August 2016, Jane was sentenced to 50 years to life in prison. She is 59 years old.
According to ClicktoEmpower.org, “74 percent of Americans personally know someone who is or has been abused.” That’s 3 out of 4 people! I was shocked when I read that statistic, but then again, I fall into the “3” category. If so many people know someone who is or has been abused, then how do we let this continue? Domestic violence organizations focus on “breaking the silence.” The silence represents the struggle of the victim and the fear of seeking help. But the silence also represents the reaction from outsiders. There is a stigma of being labeled a “busybody,” and so people respond that it’s none of their business. Or perhaps you worry that you will lose your relationship with that person as they blame you for overstepping your boundaries. But that silence needs to be broken. When a person is in danger and cannot help themselves, then family and friends need to step in and say something. Find the right person who will be heard by the victim.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. For more information, statistics, and most importantly, to seek out help, you can visit the National Coalition against Domestic Violence at ncadv.org.
Jane was silenced for too long. It is time to break the silence for her and for all victims of domestic violence. I urge you to start that conversation today.
