I really hate thank you notes.

I always have. I hate writing them and I don’t actually like receiving them. I have always done so anyway, but mostly out of a sense of obligation.

This past month I’ve been hounded by my parents (I’m 23, not 12 for perspective) to write thank you notes to my extended family for sending me Christmas giftcards. Normally I would, but I have been in and out of hospitals and doctors offices all month, which everyone in my extended family knows. So no, I did not write formulaic thank you notes for my Amazon gift card that did not even contain a note from the extended family member. What I did do, however, was take the time to track down who gave what (not easy as only one person actually included a note in with their gift card) and called them up to talk to them and thank them for the present and ask how they have been doing. But I didn’t write a note. So my parents came to my room and handed me cards to write the notes and watched me until they were done. I fail to see how a three line “Thank you for the gift. I will use it soon. I really appreciate your thoughtfulness” note is more meaningful than an actual 45 minute conversation. They are done now, but I am rather annoyed.

On the receiving end, I had the chance to attend two weddings within weeks of each other this past summer. I came to both with a gift, of course. I received a thank you note from one couple but not the other. And you know what? I didn’t feel slighted in the least. The thank you note I did receive was one of the best I’ve ever received- mostly because the thank you part of the letter was tacked on at the end as an after thought. I liked hearing from my friend, and that was the reason I liked the letter. It also arrived many months after the event. The other- well honestly I didn’t even realize that there had been no thank you note until I started writing this. I didn’t need a note. I went to the party and brought them a gift to celebrate them- why do I need them to thank me? It was their event not mine. I laughed and danced and ate food at their event! I talked to them and hugged them and congratulated them and they thanked me for coming. I didn’t need anything more, plus they probably have better things to do with their time than writing who knows how many thank you cards.

I don’t know, I also hate Christmas cards and Easter cards and Halloween cards and all forms of greeting cards because they don’t actually feel like meaningful methods of communication (unless the sender actually wrote a letter and included it in the card). I guess thank you notes just get lumped in with those in my mind. They are social currency rather than communication and I just don’t have much interest in social currency.

There are, of course, exceptions. If someone went above and beyond the call to duty, then yes I’d write a note. I write thank you notes for business interviews because that is one instance where social currency is actually useful. I write them when someone got me an unexpected or very thoughtful gift. But I rarely go the formulaic “thank you. I’ll use this doing X. I appreciate it.” Route in those cases. And yes, 90% of the time I will write my thank you cards, even for a $20 gift card with no note when I know that every single member of my family received the exact same $20 gift card, but is it really so crazy to prioritize doctors appointments over that?

I’m probably just being a whiny 20 something, and will continue to grudgingly write my thank you notes in the name of etiquette even if i find myself rambling on about the weather in a way to avoid a three line note.