Shattered Dreams — From Devotion to Disillusionment

For 16 years, Sara Malik was deeply involved in the Shahdili Tariqa of Nuh Keller, a Sufi order she ultimately found oppressive and cult-like. This article details her harrowing journey from devotion to disillusionment, exposing the stringent rules, emotional manipulation, and double standards within the group, particularly towards women and children. Sara calls for reform, advocating for a compassionate and just interpretation of Islam that respects individual autonomy and nurtures spiritual growth.

28 min readJul 16, 2024

Black is best, only dark or pastel colours. Definitely no flowers or patterns.

· Strict Rules for Women
· Strict Adherence Codes
· Double Standards
· Marital Issues
· No Wiggle Room
· Children’s Discipline
· Enforced Compliance
· No Accountability
· Shattered Dreams
· A Call for Spiritual Empowerment
· The Illusion of Choice
· A Call to Scholars
· A Message to Current Members
· Citation Index

Intro

I spent 16 years (2001–2017) within the Shahdili Tariqa of the leader Nuh Keller, a Sufi order that was declared a cult and exposed publicly in 2021 for its strict and often oppressive rules, particularly towards women and children. I have not been able to speak of my experience until now as I have been traumatised by it. But now, I have come out the other side of ONE of the traumas (facing judgment from others), and I am ready. Here is my experience.

I apologise and ask Allah for forgiveness if anything I have said has been said in a way that can be taken out of context or one-sided. This is my side of the story. My intention is not to slander, but to expose the oppression I saw and experienced, and to stand up for justice. I also pray that those who are accountable are held accountable in this life, and that we can put an end to oppression under the guise of Godliness.

Strict Rules for Women

The Shahdili Tariqa imposed a lot of strict rules on us. Women had to wear extra-wide abayas (2.5 times your waist size) to completely hide their shape. Women weren’t allowed to wear perfume, even lightly, or even use fabric conditioner in the laundry for fear of smelling nice to men. So much attention was placed on ensuring women didn’t make themselves attractive for fear of leading men astray. We were told to go cut our nails, cover our feet with socks, and stop plucking our eyebrows — this one led to a lot of psychological distress, especially for me, having very bushy eyebrows and polycystic ovaries that caused excessive hair growth. No allowances were made for this, no matter how much psychological distress a woman might feel or how inadequate she might feel in front of her husband, who is surrounded by women in the workplace every day. (Now that I have started wearing make-up and plucking my eyebrows again, I do feel pretty gorgeous again Alhamdulillah).

“Go cut your nails, they are too long.” — female cult leader
“Take off the ribbon on your abaya, keep it plain.” — female cult leader
“Your abaya needs to be wider, when you stand up, it shows the shape of your bum.” — female cult leader

While women were expected to adhere to stringent modesty rules, men often showed attraction to women who were less modest and religious. What was deemed unacceptable for women was overlooked when it came to men’s preferences.

Strict Adherence Codes

Smoking, sitting in mixed gatherings, watching TV, listening to music (even Islamic songs with instruments), taking photos, oral sex and having mortgages were all deemed haram, impermissible. No patterned, floral hijabs or clothing, even handbags, were allowed. Bright colors were considered too attractive. I still remember the annual gathering where a woman who was attending for the first time was publicly criticized for wearing a white shalwar kameez that was not loose enough. The leader’s wife said she saw her walking out from her room and there were men behind her who could see her whole shape as she walked. I remember thinking, “Poor woman. If she’s listening, she’s probably so embarrassed and won’t return again.”

“That handbag is too attractive. I don’t want to see that in kharabsheh again.” — female cult leader

Double Standards

In cult gatherings, we were required to wear niqabs/face veils to avoid arousing religious men. and for those living in the city of Kharabsheh, Jordan, women were told to never hug in public - why? was that going to turn men on, too? Apparently so!

Men, on the other hand, were allowed to wear perfume and of course, hug in public(!) The men would wear expensive oud, costing hundreds (possibly thousands) of pounds, and they looked so handsome walking around smelling beautiful, hugging their brothers, and giving high-fives, laughing loudly, with their expensive prayer beads trailing behind them. Ooohhh, for the religious women, wasn’t that a….. sight to behold!

Women in Kharabsheh were reprimanded because one lady hopped onto the pavement revealing her trainers, as it had given a man a bad desire (he had complained to the cult leader's wife!). There was never any consideration for the fact that we might have similar thoughts about men. Some of them were gorgeous with blue or green eyes! Some were black princes with white thobes, smelling quite musky and woody indeed! They would be friendly, look us in the eyes (as we were mandated to wear niqabs at cult gatherings, even in England) and smile at us in the souk/stalls.

When they dressed in their cropped shorts and t-shirts, showcasing their muscles, was that okay? What if that led to women wishing for husbands who were equally playful, athletic, and religious to boot? Was it only wrong if men thought of other women, and not if women thought of other (better, kinder, more respectful) men?

Consider this — a woman sees a man kicking a football and having fun with the rest of the brethren, and can’t help but think about how nice it would be if her husband were that playful and athletic. If she went to the cult leader to talk about her fantasies, would he reprimand the men? Or doesn’t it count when women fantasize?

“Women are a big fitnah for men” — female cult leader, defending a man who took a second wife without telling his first wife.

Marital Issues

It is with a heavy heart that I say I was the go-to marriage coach for that cult.

We were encouraged to read books such as Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Andelin, The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle, and The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. These books promoted submissiveness, making the man feel like number one (which makes you always number two), and this template condoned many instances of injustice from the man. It was as though men were untouchable, and if they did anything out of line, it was because “that’s the nature of men.”

As such, I saw a whole load of messed up things. In cases of marital problems, women were told to be submissive and let their husbands lead. Men, on the other hand, were allowed to get away with a lot, while women were blamed for their husbands’ shortcomings, being told it was due to their own failings as wives. Men would take second wives if they deemed their first wives flawed — sometimes these second wives were kept secret. Men were glorified, being promised virgins in Paradise by the female teachers, while women were called retarded if they didn’t know how to manage a home. Men dictated how their wives should dress, who their friends were, and how often they could visit their families, while those same men were out all night with their friends, completely neglecting their families.

As I began to notice the glaring injustices between the way men and women were treated within the cult, and how this deeply impacted marriages, I realized I had to step away from ideologies such as Fascinating Womanhood and The Surrendered Wife. These ideologies promoted submissiveness and often condoned injustice under the guise of making the man feel important. When I wrote my book, The Four Traits of a Cherished Muslimah, I ensured it included essential elements like boundaries, self-respect, and deal breakers. When I was the marriage coach for the cult, I received numerous referrals. However, after stepping away from the cult, the referrals ceased, and I was swiftly replaced by another coach who could teach the ideologies of submissiveness and femininity that they endorsed. I was blacklisted. Ouch.

“All history was a palimpsest, scraped clean and re-inscribed exactly as often as was necessary. In no case would it have been possible, once the deed was done, to prove that any falsification had taken place.” — Nineteen Eighty-Four, George Orwell

Backbiting was strongly discouraged in the cult, creating a perfect setting for abuse to occur unchecked. Favoured members often found out all the gossip by lingering around the leaders, gaining insight into other members’ personal issues. The prohibition of backbiting led to an environment where abuse and injustice could thrive in secrecy; however, it seemed the backbiting rule didn’t apply to the leaders, as they often engaged in discussions about other members behind their backs, and in front of other members.

The irony of the cult’s approach to education and knowledge-sharing was so hypocritical. We were explicitly told not to attend lectures by other Islamic scholars, yet were encouraged to read “Fascinating Womanhood” by Helen Andelin, a Mormon author. Mormons are an offshoot of Christianity with their own prophet (Joseph Smith), which starkly contrasts with mainstream Islamic teachings. This hypocrisy was baffling — learning from a Mormon was instructed, but seeking knowledge from other Muslim scholars was forbidden.

Women who didn’t understand rulings were often labeled as ignorant, even if they had been in the cult for decades. This raises a critical question: who is to blame for this ignorance, the student or the teacher? The burden of effective teaching lies on the teacher. If members remained uninformed despite years of involvement, it points to a systemic failure in the cult’s educational methods. This contradiction and blame-shifting only served to perpetuate the control and manipulation within the cult, further distancing members from genuine Islamic learning and growth.

No Wiggle Room

The cult placed a strong emphasis on scrupulousness (warah), leading to OCD-like behaviors. We were told that for our Ghusl (ritual purification) to be valid, we had to stick earrings in each piercing to ensure water flowed through. If we didn’t do this, we were told that those prayers we did after that shower weren’t valid, and we had to re-do all of those prayers. Otherwise we would never, ever get close to God. Even tiny specks of glitter or small bits of dough under the nails were considered significant obstacles to ritual purity. There was a time when if anything had blood or sexual fluids on it, we were told to wash it by hand and rinse it three times — even jeans — and that putting it in the washing machine would render everything in there impure.

Thankfully, they’ve since moved on from that rule, and washing machines are now permissible. What a relief for our knuckles!

It makes you wonder, though, which other rules will they decide to change next, and when? Who makes these rules, and why can’t we make our own? Who needs these cruel, oppressive scholars anyway? They’ve turned the religion into a joke — it’s reminiscent of George Orwell’s book, Nineteen Eighty-Four, where you’re told who you are at war with one day, and the next day, it’s all changed. Total brainwashing.

“At this moment, […] Oceania was at war with Eurasia and in alliance with Eastasia. In no public or private utterance was it ever admitted that the three powers had at any time been grouped along different lines. Actually, as Winston well knew, it was only four years since Oceania had been at war with Eastasia and in alliance with Eurasia. But that was merely a piece of furtive knowledge which he happened to possess because his memory was not satisfactorily under control. Officially the change of partners had never happened. Oceania was at war with Eurasia: therefore Oceania had always been at war with Eurasia. The enemy of the moment always represented absolute evil, and it followed that any past or future agreement with him was impossible.” — Nineteen Eighty-Four, George Orwell

Members were told that this sort of scrupulousness would get them closer to God. If it was hard, it was because getting close to Allah takes every ounce of effort that you have. We were told that being part of this cult was like being in a penthouse — just us and Allah, right up there, whereas non-members were in budget accommodations, sharing rooms and communal bathrooms. We really thought we were part of the penthouse, better than everyone else, closer to God than anyone else. We were encouraged to raise our kids like this and told to perfect our marriages so that our kids would see Islam as a successful template to follow. Sadly, what resulted were children and adolescents finding Islam so difficult that they wanted to have nothing to do with it. Now you have ex-members who have left Islam entirely because of the judgment and severe control they experienced.

The cult’s rigid rules were expected to be followed by everyone, regardless of their societal and cultural contexts, or how much discipline they could tolerate. Members were pressured to conform to these extreme practices, with no room for individual struggles or differing opinions. When we spoke of our hardships, we were told we had big egos or that we were weak and fickle. When we had problems we were told that it was because we didn’t have both of our feet firmly grounded in the cult.

Additionally, we were discouraged from attending the talks of any other scholar. They totally wanted to control where we got our knowledge from, making us feel compelled to listen to just the leader. Doing otherwise was framed as detrimental to our connection to God. This strict control over our sources of knowledge added to the pressure and isolation we felt, reinforcing the cult’s hold on our lives.

Very famously, many of us tossed out or gave away all of our Sheykh Hamza materials when he told us to, and that had led to a well-known rift between the Muslims in some places. People who read news, etc. are seen as not spiritually striving, touched by the dunya, etc. This is true all over the world, depending on the tariqa’s standing in that city and how close a murid is to the latifiya group. — BITE Model Applied to Kharabsheh by Amatul-Hadi

I often think of how these cult leaders cause so much distress to their members due to their overbearing strictness. This reminds me of the narration of the Messenger of Allah ﷺ where he rebuked one of his companions, Muadh, who he loved very much, and said, ‘Are you becoming a troublemaker, Muadh?” The Prophet instructed Muadh to read shorter surahs to make the prayer not last that long and make it easier for the congregation.

‘Are you becoming a troublemaker, Muadh?” — Messenger of Allah ﷺ

Another instance highlights the Prophet’s ﷺ concern for making worship accessible. A man came and said, “O Allah’s Messenger! By Allah, I keep away from the morning prayer only because so-and-so prolongs the prayer when he leads us in it.” The narrator said, “I never saw Allah’s Messenger more furious in giving advice than he was at that time. He then said, ‘Some of you make people dislike good deeds.”

“I never saw Allah’s Messenger more furious in giving advice than he was at that time. The Messenger of Allah ﷺ then said, ‘Some of you make people dislike good deeds.” — Narrated Abu Mas`ud

These examples show the importance of not overburdening people with religious practices, which is a stark contrast to how the leaders of this cult made Islam unbearably difficult, causing guilt, shame, and a feeling of being distant from Allah.

Children’s Discipline

A lot has been said about the discipline of children in the Tariqa. The cult’s school was closed down due to allegations of beatings and abuse (source: Middle East Eye). Such harsh disciplinary practices can be spiritually damaging, as children brought up with fear in the name of religion often struggle with their faith.

“children and women who lived in the Hayy told MEE that corporal punishment was common in the Zawiya. Amelia, a former murid, recalled Krasniqi hitting children at least every fortnight. Sometimes it would be just one hit. Other times multiple hits if the kid didn’t stop crying,” said Amelia.” – Middle East Eye

This fear-based approach can have long-lasting negative effects on their spiritual and emotional well-being. As Musab Bora highlighted in his article, spiritual teachings that instill fear rather than love and understanding can lead to a distorted perception of religion. As such, many ex-members have been left with a distorted perception of Islam.

And finally, I have a question for Shaykh Nuh. It’s more a rhetorical one really. Regarding the benefit you have bought to people across the world over the years: is it worth it if just one person leaves the deen at your hand? — The beatings will continue until tarbiyya improves, Musab Bora

Around 2008, the cult leader decreed that unless members had been married for 13 years or more, they couldn’t give marital advice as they lacked the necessary experience. Muggins that I was, I actually sought permission to give marriage advice as a coach even though I had only been married for 12 years. How generous they were when they granted me permission. But here’s the funny part: those leaders have been giving parenting advice even though none of them have kids. Yet, they have consistently told members how they should be raising their children, even going as far as calling kids “retarded” if the mother “didn’t bring them up well.”

We were told to impose strict parental controls on our children’s computers and were encouraged to use Covenant Eyes, a software also used by Christians and the Duggar family. The Duggars were held up as a shining example, and mothers were encouraged to read their book. How ironic that the eldest Duggar child, Josh, ended up molesting his sisters and is now in prison — sisters who had to wear modest clothing in a family raised to be without the “sins of the world.”

Children were trained not to speak during lessons, which meant that members either missed out or the children had to be disciplined. The leader’s wife is known for swatting babies and young children with a spatula repeatedly if they started crying. Women were told they had no child-rearing skills if their children were not groomed properly or if they behaved like… well, kids.

Jordan was a place where the cult had a closed community of members, seen as an idealized way of life. This community had families with relatives all over the world, and when families got together, there was a big disparity in what was acceptable and what was not. Members were encouraged to be ‘those weird religious Muslims’ who didn’t fit into society. This led to young children not visiting their cousins who most probably were not on the same page as them. When they did mix with other children, they felt superior, like better Muslims, judgmental, and actually put off their relatives from Islam.

We met for annual gatherings, called Suhbas, and each week we attended a dhikr gathering called the Latifiyya, where we listened to the leader’s lesson of the week, streamed fresh from his cult headquarters in Kharabsheh. Favored members who were deemed worthy to lead those weekly gatherings (I was not) were told to follow the same rules that they had in Kharabsheh, that is, no children unless they sat in silence.

Children were brought up with no TV, no video games, and were expected to pray without being told. In a public lesson, one of the teachers told us to teach our children that masturbation was forbidden, with a suggestion given of a mother who smelled her children’s hands when they woke up to check if they had masturbated. This, for me, was a tipping point. I never listened to a lesson from that teacher ever again. Smell their fucking hands to check if they had masturbated?!

Their way of life is not compatible with the era we’re living in. It reminds me of the Prophet Muhammad’s son-in-law, Ali, who said something like, “Raise your children for the time that they are in, not the time that you were brought up in.” This is a far cry from the teachings of that cult, whose leaders, who didn’t have any children of their own, mind you, told us to use Amish families as inspiration. ‘The Amish families love their children and therefore inspire them to be righteous.’

When adolescents from the cult went out into the “real world,” they found leniency, mercy, compassion, tolerance, and good people who did not judge, boast, or feel superior. A comment someone made recently really struck a nerve: “Non-Muslims behave more Muslim than the Muslims!”

“I thought how much kinder and decent this doctor had been to me than Merril or anyone else in his family had. […] For thirty-two years, I’d believed that every person on the outside of the FLDS community was evil.” – Escape by Carolyn Jessop

I feel foolish for being with them for so long and for the long-lasting impact they have had on me.

I feel they let us down by not showing us a true representation of Islam, nor did they show us a merciful religion. Instead, all our children saw was a checklist of things they had to do, whether their hearts were in it or not, if they wanted to please God. This has had a profound and damaging effect on their perception of faith and spirituality. And I want them to know it.

Enforced Compliance

At every annual Suhba gathering, there was always a lesson on the etiquette between the Shaykh and his disciple. We were told that the Shaykh speaks from divine inspiration and therefore what he says is actually coming as an inspiration from God. As such, so many of us tried our best to follow their letters to a T. Ironically, those of us who did were the ones most badly burnt. Those who didn’t follow the “rules” got through unscathed and cannot fathom why so many people are totally messed up.

The Shahdili Tariqa called for complete compliance to the teachings of its leaders, enforcing strict adherence to their rules and practices without room for individual struggles or differing opinions. This demand for total obedience often led to spiritual abuse and significant psychological distress. As detailed in a Muslim Matters article, the leaders’ emphasis on extreme piety and control left many followers feeling oppressed and spiritually damaged. The article highlights various forms of spiritual abuse, including public shaming, psychological manipulation, and harsh disciplinary measures, especially on women and children.

Everyone has their own experiences and how they were affected spiritually and psychologically. Just because some weren’t so badly affected doesn’t mean that the ones who are now suffering trauma are to be dismissed. We need accountability and change, and that’s not manifesting at all.

There is so much leniency in Islam, but this cult showed us none of it. There was a complete disregard if someone was struggling. If a mother had lots of children — and boy, they encouraged us to have lots of children — then she was not given any leeway to allow her children to watch TV or educational programs. Their version of the religion has made so many people hate Islam, and I am so angry at them for this.

I found so many similarities between this cult and The Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (FLDS) cult. Many women and men have written about how they escaped the FLDS cult and how liberating it was for them. They too lived under a regime of oppression, hypocrisy, and injustice — especially the women. Ironically enough, the young FLDS women were encouraged to read “Fascinating Womanhood.”!

“These girls are driving me crazy. Why do they act like this?” Jayne and Shannon started laughing. “All right, all right,” I demanded, “you two have got to let me in on the joke.” Shannon whispered two words in my ear: “Fascinating Womanhood.” I pushed Shannon away and loudly said, “What?” Jayne’s voice was very matter-of-fact. “It’s a book called Fascinating Womanhood. It’s all about how to manipulate men.” “But what does that have to do with being an idiot?” I asked. “Everything,” they said. “You have to read the book. It’s a scream.” — Escape by Carolyn Jessop

No Accountability

Although I use the past tense to describe how the cult operated, it is because I am reflecting on my personal experience. I am no longer part of it, but the cult is still very much active and continues to operate in the present. The rules, manipulations, and control mechanisms are still enforced, affecting current members just as they did when I was involved. The cult remains strong and continues to exert its influence.

A friend of mine recently visited their cult HQ and told me everything is still the same and the narrative has not changed a bit. They see us as troublemakers, rebellious, liars, and do not look at their own selves to see how they might have caused this complete disaster. I’m done being nice. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very nice to my friends and my family. But if I see Islam represented in such an oppressive way under the guise of being close to Allah, then I ask Allah to forgive me when I say fuck that. Allah hears the voice of the oppressed, regardless of faith, and He hears my voice when I complain to Him just as He heard the woman who complained to the Messenger of God about her oppressive husband. And I am sure that when I tell Allah how I feel, he is not oing to say ‘I understand, Sara, just don’t say fuck.’. Ya Rabbi.

“I say fuck because I am not supposed to. I say fuck because I believe that the crimes of racism, bigotry and misogyny — enabled and protected by patriarchy — are more profane than swear words. I say fuck because there is nothing civil about racists, Islamophobes and misogynists.” — It’s Not About the Burqa, by Mariam Khan

Those who have left are often labeled as mentally unstable. There is a well-known blog, K Town Survivors, where the survivor shares accounts that many former members find all too familiar. Despite the familiarity of these accounts, her words are dismissed as “she wasn’t right in the head in the first place.” Such dismissals only serve to increase mental instability among those affected. The harmful actions and strict control exerted by the cult exacerbate the psychological distress of its members. How many people need to speak up before the cult is forced to stop its ways, or more gullible individuals continue to join?

As mentioned by the cult survivor in K-Town Survivors, Dr. Steven Hassan’s BITE Model provides a framework for understanding how cults such as this one exert control over their members through Behavior, Information, Thought, and Emotional manipulation. Behavior control involves regulating daily life and demanding major time commitments. Information control includes deception, restricting access to external information, and isolating members from outsiders. Thought control promotes unquestioning obedience to group doctrine, black-and-white thinking, and rewriting history. Emotional control uses fear, guilt, love bombing, and emotional manipulation to maintain dominance. These techniques collectively enable cults to maintain a high level of control over their members’ lives and minds, often leading to significant psychological harm, as is the case here.

The cult we were in manifested most, if not all, of these traits. Behavior was strictly controlled through rigid daily routines and high demands on time for religious practices. Information control was evident in the prohibition of external media and communication with outsiders. Thought control was maintained through an unquestioning adherence to the leader’s teachings and an “us vs. them” mentality. Emotional control was exercised by instilling fear of divine retribution, guilt for not adhering strictly to rules, and manipulating emotions to ensure compliance and loyalty. These controlling behaviors contributed to significant emotional and psychological harm among members.

Aunt Lydia ensures the Handmaids are all conforming to the Will of God

It’s tragically similar to “The Handmaid’s Tale,” where the men in charge, or commanders, make the rules that everyone must follow, and the women who have been placed in charge by the men, known as ‘aunts,’ enforce these rules. Handmaids are told that breaking these man-made laws is equivalent to sinning against God. Women are publicly shamed and blamed, snitches are favored, men secretly indulge in their desires, women are discouraged from learning and reprimanded constantly, while the commanders themselves get away with everything.

“Yes, women will gang up on other women. Yes, they will accuse others to keep themselves off the hook: we see that very publicly in the age of social media, which enables group swarmings. Yes, they will gladly take positions of power over other women, even–and, possibly, especially–in systems in which women as a whole have scant power: all power is relative, and in tough times any amount is seen as better than none.”— The Handmaid’s Tale, by Margaret Atwood

Shattered Dreams

I feel foolish, stupid — what the hell was I thinking and why didn’t I run from it? It is something I ask myself a lot. Being in this cult ruined the dreams I had for my family: for them to be proud of being Muslim and to love their religion. However, that cult has totally fucked that up too. I know many will think I should not be airing the dirty laundry of the Muslims in public. But I am tired of putting on this facade where, in the name of religion, illustrious scholars are messing up people’s lives. And then not acknowledging or addressing the damage they have done. It is not acceptable.

In order to find healing, I am searching for my place as a Muslim that isn’t filled with stringent or hypocritical rules. I seek a religion based on equality for women, not subjugation; a religion where men and women as couples can build relationships based on mutual respect, trust, joy, happiness, and laughter. A religion that welcomes all, regardless of what they believe. A religion that empathizes with harms committed in its name.

I’m so angry. They manipulated us through insults and criticisms, and because of their “sufi status” I thought it was a direct message from God — not their personal power trip. The male murids were good, and we (women) were told we were bad. — Ex cult member, Anon.

A Call for Spiritual Empowerment

I wrote this to share how the level of control I allowed them to have over me was detrimental to me and my family. I was one of their guinea pigs, badly burnt through their social and spiritual experiments. By writing this, I am standing up against the injustice me and my family endured. This is my #MeToo moment, a way to voice my truth and shed light on the oppressive practices that affected so many of us.

It’s a call to let those who were also burnt know that they are not alone, others have suffered just like they have.

It is a call to let current members be aware of all the red flags. Notice them – and call them out – if only to yourselves.

It is a call for people to make their own decisions for themselves and their families, for them to make choices in their best interest and not the best interests of the group. It’s time to call out group-think.

It is a call for the cult leaders of the Shadhili Tariqa — Nuh Keller, Besa Krasniqi, Hedaya Hartford, and Ashraf Muneeb — to change.

These leaders are not in your homes; they don’t know your personal dynamics – only you do. You have permission from Allah to live your best life. You don’t need the permission of others. Yours is enough. You are enough. Be brave and courageous and start thinking for yourselves. ❤️

The Illusion of Choice

Many people argue that joining the cult was my own choice, but the reality is far more complex. Cults prey on those who are unsure of themselves, (I was 23 years old!) offering hope and and a sense of elitism. They use emotional manipulation to make followers feel trapped, convincing them they will be lost without the group’s guidance. The cult leader once said, paraphrasing, that those who left the cult would be wandering, lost in the wilderness for years to come. Even more terrifying was the assertion that “if you don’t have a Shaykh, then the devil is your Shaykh.” When you’re constantly told you cannot survive without the cult’s guidance, it becomes incredibly difficult to leave. This emotional manipulation can trap you, making it feel as if you have no other option but to stay.

A Call to Scholars

Scholars have a duty to speak up, uphold ethical standards and hold those in power accountable to prevent abuse and corruption. As Timothy Snyder points out in “On Tyranny,” if all professionals spoke up, it wouldn’t allow tyranny to continue. He states that ‘professional ethics must guide us precisely when we are told that the situation is exceptional.’ Similarly, in the face of potential abuse and unethical behavior, it is crucial for scholars to use their voices to protect the vulnerable.

If Allah puts anyone in the position of authority over the affairs of the Muslims, and he secludes himself (from them), not fulfilling their needs, wants, and poverty, Allah will keep Himself away from him, not fulfilling his need, want and poverty. — The Messenger of Allah ﷺ

I hope the scholars of the world start to realize their duty in welcoming the youth and making them feel that Islam is a religion of peace, kindness, compassion, and love, instead of condemning everyone to hellfire and focusing on lists of do’s and don’ts. They should use leniencies and accept the challenges that the youth face, applying dispensations (rukhsas) to make things easier for them, not a billion times harder.

I am disappointed that nothing is being done about this. No one has spoken up against them except for ex-members. There is no accountability for wolves in shaykhs’ clothing; they just carry on, discarding the old and bringing in the new, viewing us as Thomas Edison’s 1,000 ways of how not to create a light bulb.

“I have not failed 10,000 times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in proving that those 10,000 ways will not work. When I have eliminated the ways that will not work, I will find the way that will work.” — Thomas Edison

A Message to Current Members

To those still involved in the Shahdili Tariqa, I urge you to take a step back and evaluate your experiences honestly. This group exhibits many characteristics of a cult, and if you find yourself struggling to keep up with the stringent rules, feeling like a bad Muslim, or experiencing discord with your family, it might be time to reconsider your membership.

Recognize the Signs of Control

Stringent Rules: If the group’s rules are causing you significant distress or spiritual turmoil, this is a red flag. Don't be a sucker for punishment — maybe this group isn't meant for you, after all. And that’s okay, you have permission to change your mind. The leaders change their minds on things all the time!
Criticism and Judgment: Constant criticism and judgment, even under the guise of self-improvement, can be damaging. For those with low self-esteem, it can reduce it even more.
Control Over Personal Decisions: If they dictate your personal decisions and behavior, this is a form of control. Don't give it to them. Make your personal decisions yourself, or with your spouse, if you are married.
Isolation from Support: In the past, therapists and coaches who conformed to the tariqa’s ways, were on the whitelist of approved therapists. (I was one of them.) The second they stepped out of line, they were blacklisted. (Like I was) If the leaders suggest that you don’t see a therapist or coach when you feel that you would benefit from speaking to someone, this is a sign of isolation — a common tactic used by cults. Please seek help.

Impact on Personal Relationships

The permission and control you give to the cult leaders often extend to other areas of your life, influencing how you choose to live your life — or how your life is being chosen for you by others. By allowing others to make decisions for us, we often end up serving their self-interests rather than our own well-being. It’s crucial to be aware of how this influence might be shaping your relationships and your family’s well-being.

Low Self-Esteem: Easy Prey for Control

People with low self-esteem often seek external validation and direction to fill a void within themselves, making them prime targets for cults. These groups offer a sense of belonging, purpose, and identity, which can be incredibly appealing to those feeling lost or unsure of their own path. If you weren’t just swept with the tide, who would you be? It’s crucial to build a strong personal identity and develop your own moral compass. Cultivate self-esteem, seek supportive communities, and engage in activities that help you discover your strengths and passions. Establishing a strong sense of self can act as a safeguard against falling into the traps set by manipulative groups.

Seek Balance and Compassion

Remember, Islam is a religion of balance, mercy, and compassion. If your current path is making you feel otherwise, it might be worth exploring other interpretations, teachers and communities that align more with these values. Your spiritual journey should bring you closer to Allah in a positive and uplifting way, not through fear and control.

The Rebels Got It Right

Many of us who were members tried to follow all the rules explicitly. When it didn’t work for us, we were scorned by other members and told that we should have used our common sense and not done anything that led to destructive consequences for our families. Ironically, the people who got away the most unscathed were the rebels — the ones who called things out, rejected teachings, and made up their own minds about things.

The Comfort of Conformity

It may well be that you entered this tariqa because you are used to deferring your autonomy to others. You might not have been given permission by your parents to make decisions, both personal and religious. Bowing down to peer pressure can also lead to a sense of comfort in such groups. Where others might see red flags and run, those who have no personal autonomy might find comfort in the strict control.

Reach Out for Help

The intense control and manipulation in cults can lead to emotional turmoil, psychological distress, spiritual crises, social isolation, loss of autonomy, family strain, and stigmatization. If you are experiencing any of these, please reach out to a professional who can help you. The NHS in the UK offers free therapy, and there are many compassionate therapists and coaches available. Consider that this group and its members might not be the ‘chosen ones’ as they claim, and the rest of the world, especially those who have left the group, are not misguided and fallen. Taking care of your mental and spiritual health is a priority and a sign of strength, not weakness. Please remember — we’ve been there, done that, and got the t-shirt.

And waistcoat.

Cringe.

Reflecting on my journey, I understand the complexities and the intense emotional struggles of being part of such a controlling environment. While I made the choice to join, it was under the allure of having teachers who were wise enough to guide us to the ‘right path’ to God and through relentless emotional and spiritual manipulation.. To those still entangled, remember that your value is not determined by these leaders. True spirituality and fulfilment come from within, and you have the right to seek a path that respects your autonomy and well-being. It’s okay to question, it’s okay to seek help, and it’s okay to walk away. Your journey is yours alone, and you have the strength to navigate it on your terms. Let’s stand together, support each other, and embrace the courage to reclaim our lives and our faith.

– – –

Allahumma Salli `ala Sayyidina Muhammadin
Tibbil qulubi wa dawaa’iha,
Wa `afiyatil abdaani wa shifai’ha,
Wa nuril absari wa dhiya’iha,
Wa`ala Aalihi wa Sahbihi wa Sallim.

O Lord! Send blessings on our master Muhammad,
The medicine of hearts and their cure,
The health of bodies and their healing,
The light of eyes and their illumination,
and upon his family, companions, and send peace.