Rambling Thoughts and Concerns

I’m not writing this to get sympathy. I am writing this in the hopes that someone in a similar situation will not feel so alone. And it helps for me to put things into writing

I am having a hard time remembering when my Mom was well. I think her dementia started to become noticeable back in 2008, but issues began to develop before that: bad judgement, personality changes, depression, anger, and suspicion.

I struggle to remember when my relationship with her was normal. Sometimes I dream at night that she is well, and it so special until I have to wake up and face reality. More often than not it seems I have nightmares where I am trying to take care of her in a dangerous situation or that I lose her and can’t find her. The symbolism is rather obvious, I suppose.

She is getting weaker, too. The tremors have returned and are so bad. It tears me up to see her sitting there while her body just shakes. She tells me that it just wears her out. The hospice nurse has done what she can to keep the tremors under control, but there’s a limit to what they can do.

She suffers very, very severe pain in her back, hip, and head. Sometimes she forgets to ask for pain medicine, or is stubbornly convinced they won’t give it to her. They’ve recently switched her to morphine — I think pain medicine she was on before was outlawed because people were abusing it. That’s a shame, because either it worked better than what she is taking now or her pain has increased greatly. I know there is a strong possibility that the increased pain is from cancer spreading. I try not to think about it.

Every time the phone rings I panic. The last call I got from the nursing home was informing me that she had made another escape attempt and was being moved immediately into another much smaller room. I never know what a call could mean. Could it be another escape attempt, another bout of illness, a fall?

It seems like my own brain is fried. I lose things constantly, struggle to remember things, and can’t sleep more than three or four hours at a time. I don’t have the best decision making skills at the moment, either. My brain is still running, just painfully slow. I feel like the sloth from the DMV in the movie Zootopia.

Fortunately, I have a group of awesome friends that give me realistic pep talks and encourage me to be healthy physically and mentally. I am sustained by the grace of God … there is no way I could survive this waking nightmare on my own. Thanks to everyone for their prayers, thoughts, and words of encouragement.