I’M NOT GIRLFRIEND MATERIAL

SARF Uncut
Sep 7, 2018 · 4 min read

I WARN MY DATES ABOUT THESE ATTRIBUTES.

Oral Orders by AmethystShotX

You, yes you who slid into my dm but fell into the friend zone. You should be grateful.

The One by Jorja Smith, Unlonely by Jason Mraz, Rewind Time by VanJess ft Little Simz and Bad Girlfriend by Anne-Marie. I feel these songs describe the various stages my love life has been through in 2018. Bad Girlfriend however made me laugh. Until I stopped with the realization that I would be one.That’s if I was girlfriend material. Which I am not. The last time I was a girlfriend was during the ending months of 2016. I had decided to exclusively date one amazing young man. Before that? well, eons ago.

During dates, discussing achievements, aspirations, past lovers, family and background, traffic in Lagos, favorite sex positions, career direction are trite. When a date shows genuine interest in my vibrant, quirky self. I begin reading off the list. Yes, you know I’m smart, creative, witty, driven, weird, sexy as gizzdodo, your type, blah blah. These days I feel there is a manual most guys who dm me on Instagram use. It’s tempting to think I’m perfect but I also have personality attributes that bar me from being girlfriend material.

I will pull out an ebook if an event is boring.

· I’m creative but quirky. Like very quirky. But you’ve probably seen that on my social media accounts, listened to it through our conversations or heard from my loved ones. My curvy body will dance at the sight of scintillating food. I will pull out an ebook if an event is boring. You’ll tag along my explorations of Lagos. You have to read, like and share my writings, seriously. I will stop to take random but artistic pictures. I’m comfortable with my unusual natural hairstyles. Even though I’m a great conversationalist, I’m an introvert. I’ll scope curvy bootylicous babes while driving by, I’m not weird but queer. I collect cute things, notebooks with names, fallen bird feathers, nerdy glasses, oddly cute key holders, etc. P.D.A makes me uncomfortable but I’m romantic.

· I will forget your birthday. I know I warned you but you laughed but I’m serious. I called a partner to check on him on his birthday because I was thinking of him. He waited all day hoping I’ll remember, how cute. I didn’t know I missed his birthday until he told me two days later. If you like forget my birthday.

· I don’t like cooking but I’m a foodie. Cooking is a hallmark of Nigerian relationships. The thousands of likes on meme insinuate without this skill a female can’t enjoy a relationship. Just get it straight-I might not cook for you. It has nothing to do with an inability or disregard for gender roles. I haven’t dated a guy who hasn’t cooked expertly for me. Maybe if you are lucky unlike my past partners you might eat my meals. FYI-I’m a white and dark chocolate, and ponmo addict.

· I lose interest easily. Being married by 25 isn’t part of my life goals. If you stress me I can will end the relationship. I ended a relationship because a partner didn’t say sorry. PS: long story! Patience, kindness and understanding you’ll enjoy from me until you don’t. I enjoy my company and utilize loneliness well.

Don’t you dare call my vajayjay, pussy. She has a name!

· I’m adventurous with sex. I’ve had so much adventure in my sex life I curated a sex positive series on my book blog. Revenge porn should be a crime, I don’t send nudes. Don’t you dare call my vajayjay, pussy. She has a name and it’s LOTUS. I write steamy, sensual erotica. Zip up the slut shaming and go look for a repressed suitable gf. If you can’t give toe-curling cunnilingus we have a problem. Kink, anal, period sex , triple check. If you aren’t open minded we have a bigger problem. STOP! I can’t tolerate painful sex like your ‘exs that never complained’. Sunday morning sex is sinfully sweet. You won’t attend morning service if I’m over for the weekend. No, you can’t put just the tip in! I’m allergic to Durex . Occasionally, I will have sex fasts and abstinence spells.

· My default setting is ‘semi-militant feminist’. Compliments I get include how independent, principled and fair I am. That’s because my parents and I directly raised me to be a feminist. So my default mental setting is semi-militant feminist. I am thoughtful, opinionated and proactive about gender discrimination. No, I don’t believe all men are scum, stop assuming. When you say you love I showed vulnerability, do you mean you felt comfortable with my first show of relatable weakness? My default setting wants to know so it can classify your statement and file you in the RED-RUN folder. I am fluid with gender roles because I believe in being a functional and multi-faceted human being. Which doesn’t mean you won’t contribute to my book buying buckets.

I am fluid with gender roles because I believe in being a functional and multi-faceted human being.

· I’m polyamorous. I’m not into being your girlfriend, sorry. I’d like a casual sexual relationship or sometimes a romantic partnership. Which type of partner do you want to be? I’m blessed with the ability to connect with multiple persons and I’m honest about it.

· My guys. I can count my close female friends in one palm. Fun Fact: I was a cross-dressing tom boy as a girl. I have male friends and acquaintances that you’ll have to get comfortable with. I’ll be so close with my best friend you’ll suspect we are sexual partners. Relax, we aren’t. He is the one probably advocating for you.

Inspite of all these I’m grateful for dear friends and past lovers who have enjoyed, laughed, advised, forgiven, endured or complained about these.

Written by

SARF Uncut is the lifestyle journal of Adaeze Fèyísàyò Samuel.

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade