Letter 7: You need me; I need you.
Today you are 3 months and I am amazed at how quickly time has passed. Part of me wishes I could stop time and keep you little forever but I know that is selfish.
Each day you show us more of your beautiful personality. You smile quite a bit, not only to us but to almost everyone. You’re an inquisitive little one, always looking at your surroundings and “talking” to anyone who will talk to you too. You love to mimick sounds and your hand has become your chew toy.
I am back at work now and while my desire to stay home with you hadn’t changed it had become easier for both of us. The first week back was miserable. I cried every morning as I went to work and you cried too. That first week you hardly slept during the day and at night even if I was exhausted I waited for you to wake up for your night feeding just so I could interact with you for a few minutes. Each day is easier and we have both learned to adapt. I still leave work as soon as I can and look forward to being by your side. Sweet Sofia, I hope that if you have children and you have to return to work that the transition will not be so difficult for you. Perhaps the biggest positive factor for my return to wake is that you get to spend most of the day with your dad. I don’t know if he will tell you but he struggled to bond with you for the first months and a half of your life. He couldn’t help but to be have negative feelings toward you for losing his leisurely time. All of that has changed and I can see that he loves you more than you could now.
I am also back in school now hoping to complete the master’s program by next May. That is the newest dilemma, I am suppose to complete 120 hours of internship this semester and 120 next semester but I am currently contemplating sitting out yet another semester. Because we are still breastfeeding, I am pumping at work during my conference hour and lunch break leaving me with no additional “free” time to work on my hours. My administrator suggested I try and work with the department to complete my hours evenings and weekends volunteering at events but that would mean I would see you even less than I already do now and I don’t know that I can bring myself to do that. I know you’re very young right now and you won’t remember if I am absent during these months but I know I will be absent and I don’t want to be that type of parent to you. I want to finish the program desperately but I also know that family and in particular spending time with you is extremely important to me.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m becoming too attached to you. At what point does it become unhealthy for a mother to desire to spend time with her daughter? I am certain as you get older my desires to spend every moment with you will evolve as I see you grow and become more independent but right now I know you need me and perhaps I need you too.