THE PAUSE

When it’s gone, it comes in flashes, Dark days, that pause,when you’re all alone fighting with yourself, your fears, your anxiety. Trying hard to find the lost you, your virtue, your purpose of existence. In this dwindled world, it’s you and your diary, the oldest and loyal friend you’ve ever had. You often write but pull the paper and smash it away… No one knows how long you’ve been crying behind closed door, in the bathroom. How long it has been since you laughed without pretending…well you don’t remember. The race with world is getting rough, people are getting harsh, but you have the same little timid heart who thinks it’s gonna be all right when you wake up tomorrow.

The next day, the same challenge, you’re changing, the way people perceive you is changing, world seems cruel. Loathing and provoking the innocent you ,making you feel feeble. You’re scared ,you’re enervated. It has started feeling that you don’t wanna wake up tomorrow, No you don’t… You don’t say much, you observe.. and all you see is rejection, heart breaks, people getting self oriented to get most out of you. Some days, you lock your self inside your room. How placid it feels , you and your boundless imaginations.. you try to spill your thoughts on a paper, pull it again, smash it away.. You stare at the pointed forceps beside you, What would you feel when that tip enters your vein? Will it bleed a lot? Will that be painful? Or how long can you hold your breath? What if you hold it beyond the limit? What if you forget how to breathe?… Another moment you realize there’s such a fine line between life and death. What a terrifying imagination.

It’s like you are scattered into pieces trying to get along in this world, races with no destinations. Your little heart has faced barbs, hatred, insults. You see the world through their eyes.. its all black and white . The way people run after the physical matter seems so cursory. The hole in you has the cure some where deep inside you, yet to be discovered and its not gonna be covered by any jewels or pelf.

No you won’t let any one know you are getting weak, you’ll face it. No matter how hard you cry at nights, you’ll wake up tomorrow. You’ll show ’em what you stand for. Your veracity, your virtue ,your existence, your principles won’t be questioned. You’ve seen people pulling you down, betrayals, heartbreaks , rejections, you’ve seen the silent terrible pause, which is the worst of all, agitating the fire inside you , so now it has burn. The red flames have burned high and its unveiling. You yearn for the warm long lost childhood .. you’ve left it far behind.. You wake up another day , the story continues, you had seen few things yesterday, yet more to see, yet more to fight for, yet more to get rejected, yet more to be deceived, yet many things to get broken of and you are not sure where might the pieces fall this time. You are walking on this uncertain path , alone and you never know when you’ll fall back to the same pages of horrifying dark pauses but you keep walking , hoping someday it might lead somewhere worth it … Maybe that’s called CHANGING,GROWING UP, GETTING STRONGER, LIVING……………

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