How To Ensure Failure In 7 Simple Steps
A step by step guide to avoid Success
As a self proclaimed expert at failing, I have decided to impart my knowledge on how to fail to those who feel inadequate at doing so.
I can guarantee that anyone who follows these seven steps will fail. Read at your own discretion.
1. Don’t Start
Every time you feel a tinge of inspiration or an inkling of an idea, do not follow through with it. Remain in the shadow of your own sorrow wondering whether it will be worth the time you will spend on it, time that might be better spent doing more productive things like bingeing Stranger Things on Netflix.
It doesn’t matter that your idea might be worth something, or that you will never know how it will turn out unless you try it.
All you have to do is constantly fantasise about starting this new undertaking, but nothing more.
Even better, watch inspirational videos from people like Gary Vaynerchuk and Tony Robbins, watch ted talks about ‘success’, because the feeling you get from these these videos, the feeling of getting pumped to start something new, to have a fresh start, to hustle, without actually acting on that feeling is enough for most.
2. Plan But Only Plan
Planning is everything but plans are nothing, so work on your plan for this new development. This is the point when you set ridiculously high goals, extremely tight time constraints, and unreasonable steps to finish.
Spend a majority of your time on this plan, ensuring every detail is added so that when you begin working on your project, (which you haven’t till now), you will know exactly what to do, except, don’t begin working.
3a. Start but not really
If you have come this far, it means you seem pretty convinced you want to follow through.
However, work is just too hard.
Forget the time constraints, they don’t mean anything. The moment you feel a tinge of boredom, confusion or difficulty, abandon your task. You can always come back later, though it is important that that later is not a specific time, but an abstract concept floating somewhere in your subconscious.
3b. Start with everything you’ve got (and more)
When you start your project, put everything you have into it. In fact, put more than what you have. All other things are secondary, and working on this is imperative.
Do not follow your timed constraints, forget those, the project is most important, and it is the only thing you will work on.
Forget taking incremental steps or starting from the bottom, skip that hogwash and go straight to the difficult parts.
When you begin to burn out in a week from exhaustion, don’t blame the obviously impossible goals, or the extreme amount of work required to get there in such a short period of time.
Blame your luck, the details of the situation, or your apparent lack of skill, because this situation was never in your control in the first place.
4. Expect Good Things And Good Things Only
If this stage has been reached, you have probably found your task relatively easy. However, push that feeling that it won’t be smooth sailing all the way to the back of your head.
If it has been this easy so far, it must remain that way throughout the course of your project. Any bit of difficulty should be ample evidence to procrastinate or abandon your undertaking and lead you to consider returning to bingeing Stranger Things on Netflix.
5. When the going gets tough, grit says “good bye!”
All endeavours will encounter difficult phases at some point or another, but you need to understand that you are special, and when it occurs in your situation, the gods have cursed you due to misdeeds in your previous life, and you have been given this misfortune to satiate your bad karma, or something along those lines.
It is at this point that you should forget all your aspirations and desire to do something new and fill your mind with all the reasons you should not follow through with what you are doing.
These reasons can range from simple things like not being born with the ability to do what you aspire to do, the obvious superhuman levels of intelligence required for your task (even though many other people are currently doing it), or the best, assuming that your task is impossible.
Actually completing a task is considered a success by many, but make sure that you aren’t included. Remember those ridiculously high standards from step 2? Be sure to hold yourself to those standards, forgetting the fact that you actually made progress in your situation.
Any feeling of pride and content that comes with actually doing something should be quashed by the feelings of inadequacy and resentment due to not making something that is perfect, or not being the best at what you do.
Learning from losses is for losers.
Forget anything that you learnt from this process, and soon enough, return to the cycle of misery you brought yourself into.
You have been doomed by the gods due to misdeeds committed in your previous life, and now you must repent for doing those by bingeing Stranger Things on Netflix and considering your miserable situation in the universe.
How Am I An Expert At Failing?
Any success due to the wisdom featured in this post is a failure and therefore a success, and a success at failure is a success. Due to that, I cannot lose or win, leading me to conclude that I fail, thus proving my mastery on the topic.
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