A gentle and famous actor who is no more once said that it was painful to be alone, but it was more painful to be with people who made you feel alone.
I didn’t have a single date until 30. Not that I couldn’t, but I wouldn’t owing to my cultural upbringing and circumstances. I had responsibilities. Arranged marriages still happen. Thus I got married. And from my spouse, I expected exactly what you still do.
I know how you feel and probably a bit more. When I told my wife after we got married, stuff on the lines of whatever you wrote, she plainly said — “nobody can make you happy, only you can make you happy”. I’d heard that a thousand times before and smirked at it each time because I just KNEW my soulmate would come into my life one day and smash that to bits, and I’d smash it to bits too for her.
So there I was, in mad rage and pain, and the fights started. You can’t fix attitudinal differences. Those are fundamental.
Marriages are strange in this way. We were blessed with our daughter a few months ago. Not because we love each other, but because we have obligations to our families and ourselves.
Life is always a mixed bag. Your presence in the light implies that there will be a shadow some time or the other. We can’t keep looking away from the shadow. Life teaches us to look at the shadow and understand ourselves better.
I can never and will never accept certain things. This is me after having considerably given up much more cherished rigid points of view over life, over interactions with people, over disappointments and failures and successes.
The saying “It’s more important to be loving than to be right” comes to mind.
I can’t say for sure if there’s a solution to this. It’s like being gay, I don’t think this is a state of mind. We’re probably genetically wired to be like this? I do seem to observe that life can and will give a solution. Here’s my view on your current situation — you may have a side of fortune to your unfortunate and ungiving state of mind created by your circumstances and actions. When all fails, you must try the opposite of whatever you’ve done till now. Stop wanting love. Start giving love to whoever cares enough to take it. It’ll be surprising how many people direly want love but cannot or will not take it when it is given to them. You need to still keep giving. Start with a tree. It’ll take it gladly. Do it daily. Water it daily, hug it. Also start donating a couple of dollars each week towards the hungry. That’ll do. You probably already do that. But I’m saying do it with zero feeling. Not with crap like love and kindness and such bullshit (you’ve seen what these feelings have done to you.. and me.. it makes perfectly good men write shit like this and watch baldness take over. Nonsense.).