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Sasha
Historically long periods of alone time haven’t been great for me. I remember living alone in a three bedroom house at Timbertop. If I stayed at home too long it was like my imagination filled all the big empty spaces with worries and ruminations. Maybe it’s why I’ve chosen to live in share houses since. Yes, not having the TV or kitchen to yourself can be challenging, but there’s always someone home, a buzz, some music and chatter. This seems to calm the whirring in my head and I can relax or get ironing or cook up a feast.

I used romanticise time alone. Just before heading to our holiday house in East Gippsland I’d have all these ideas of how productive I’d be and how much relaxing I’d do. I could meditate all day! I could have long afternoon siestas! I could even do a week-long sensory deprivation thing! I could do lots of writing!

But the reality was different. In these breaks, I’d sabotage a lot of the time with shoulds and anxieties and endless mind-bla-bla. I’d get overwhelmed and amp up the small things and feel paralysed by indecision. I’d crave the city, the noise, the internet. Then I’d reprimand myself for not relaxing. lol.

In those days I’d write out a detailed schedule and to-do list. I’d follow it for about a day and then in true Sasha style I’d rebel against it and feel guilty I’d let myself down. And then I’d be back at the beginning writing a new schedule.
It seems obvious now, but I’ve started to realise I am not a robot; I’m not a soldier. I don’t like being commanded around by others. I have my own rhythms that vary. And I certainly wouldn’t make someone else feel guilty if they hadn’t followed their holiday plan (I mean who even writes a holiday plan??? ) So why would I do these things to myself?

I’m realising I am an independent, sensitive human and I need to treat myself better. It’s ok if I need different things each day. It’s also ok to ask myself, what do I need today? Yes I like some structure and routines but I also need flexibility and to know I have a say in my day. It seems obvious now but when you’re in it it’s hard to get the eagle view.

Coming to Costa Rica I knew I would have some alone time. In LA a beautiful hypnotherapy client of mine gave me an Akashic Records reading. In it, she told me my time in Costa Rica would allow me to set up nourishing daily practices; since Asia I hadn’t meditated as much and I was starting to feel ungrounded.
So as usual I arrived excited for my alone time. I was keen to do lots of meditating. But like the the Peter Pan clock, sure enough the crocodile was soon released (ironically there are actually crocodiles in the estuary between Playa Grande and Tamarindo!). All this shit started coming to the surface. Worries about the future, replaying conversations with people, internal reprimands when I got stuck on the internet. I spoke with kind friends and family. And I cried.

Unlike how I’ve reacted in the past, though, this time I took a step back and came to myself with curiosity rather than frustration. I could now see being alone is a trigger for me and it made sense with all I’d explored in my hypnotherapy sessions. I needed to be kind on myself.
Many would say what have I got to cry about? I’m in beautiful Costa Rica as part of an amazing world trip. And I partly agree with you! The truth is travelling alone is often exciting and adventurous, and it can also be lonely and uncomfortable and you get to face yourself a lot. Coming towards the end of my trip I was also starting to ask myself some big questions about what I’d learned and where I was headed. When you go all in, it can be scary.

A spiritual teacher told me a few months ago you can design your own sadhana (spiritual practice). This was an epiphany for me -you mean I don’t have to sit and meditate and then do an hour of yoga everyday?! So rather than a strict schedule I started to broaden my concept of a daily practice to whatever I need that day to check in with myself.
In Costa Rica I’ve understood this even more. In my Akashic Records reading I was told to ‘make nothing wrong’. I’ve realised my daily practice can involve activities but it is also how I treat myself. By judging and labelling certain things as right or wrong, good or bad, I’m setting myself up for failure.
The rebel in me loves to break the rules. But then I feel guilty, frustrated or upset with myself, and this brings me down and tuckers me out. But if I see myself, e.g. staying in bed all morning, I can instead ask why and seek to understand. From there I can decide. Maybe I really do need that sleep.
I’ve noticed the more I stop resisting, the less power that thing has over me and it naturally subsides in good time. I’ve realised some days I’m super productive and fast getting lots done and other days I’m slower. I think that’s my natural rhythm and it feels good to go with it. I’ve realised if I write down tasks alongside some fun stuff rather than the killer to-do list I end up getting the most important things done and having a good day. Whatever happens, if I talk kindly to myself it makes me happier and ironically more motivated to get stuff done.

So for the weekend I listened to what I needed. I left my cousin’s beautiful place in Playa Grande and headed to Tamarindo to check into a hostel. I wanted some time around people. Funnily enough I had a whole dorm room to myself — clearly a sign! — but I got to salsa dance and to write by the pool to the sound of some cool tunes and the chatter of people on holiday, and I got to chat and play ukulele for an incredible artist who was painting one of the cabins.

His name was Steven and he told me, he was his art. Woah. I mean, that is a big statement to make. This was a man who had clearly found his life’s calling. As he was painting I could see the focus and the peacefulness in him. As he showed me photos of his work I could see the joy and pride in him. And when he smiled he lit up.
We all have our own quirky unique ways of being, things we like, don’t like, things we need. And that’s beautiful. And the irony is, like Steven’s art if we allow it to flow it creates beauty too. We each can fly so much higher if we free ourselves of the unnecessary weight and don’t judge ourselves. It’s like that quote in Good Will Hunting when Robin Williams says he loves his wife because, not in spite of when, she farts in bed. I wonder how we’d feel in ourselves and how the world would be if we stopped beating up on ourselves and embraced ourselves fully.
So I’m committing to building a more loving relationship with myself. I’m giving it a real good shot; I’m being curious about and even starting to see the beauty in my peculiarities. Isn’t it weird that the person we are with all the time, the person we enter and leave this world with, is in fact the one person we are hardest on? Isn’t it strange that this person who could be our best friend and biggest advocate is often the person we find the hardest to love? I’m changing that for me. What about you?
Namaste friends.
For an eye opening Akashic Records reading by Krista via skype or in person in LA http://www.akashicglow.com
For more of Chinox’s stunning art see https://twitter.com/chinox
For a beautiful place to stay in Playa Grande see http://playagrandevacationrentals.com/
The hostel I stayed at in Tamarindo with all the art work on the walls https://www.selina.com/


