not worth reading

I wonder why my cat looks up at me and cries in the mornings. What is her problem? What does she want from me?

I realised last night that the reason I don’t watch much in the way of videos or movies is that I have to watch the video and listen at the same time. That sounds ridiculous I guess but I listen to audio because I can listenn while I drive or listen while I paint or listen while I clean the shop and therefore I’m getting more done. I’m getting two things done at once. But with watching a movie I just get that one thing done. I just focus all my energy on that. Which is fine. I can get something out of a movie now and then. But it feels like more of a commitment to decide to watch a movie or video. Two different friends told me to watch a series called Chef’s Table. It took me several months to get around to checking it out but last night I finally did watch the first one.

It’s funny how much I miss my old blog site now that it’s gone. Well, I exaggerate. It’s not really gone but I did lose 3 years of writing. But because of losing that last 3 years, I don’t want to just pick up and start writing again there with 3 years missing. Seems I’m better off starting over altogether. I was happy about moving from that old Wordpress blog. Originally I was ecstatic to find Medium where the format seemed so much cleaner and easier for me. But now that I want to ramble and carry on writing in a stream of consciousness way I feel like the old site was the home for that. Medium seems different. Medium seems like the place writers go to write short pieces with catchy titles. It doesn’t feel like the long lost archive where I can bury my hour long rants. Sometimes when I’m at the beach I want to be back at home and at work. Sometimes at home I want to be back at the beach and carefree. When I was on Wordpress I imagined a place like Medium. Now I long for Wordpress again.

It’s not like I don’t know the whole “Be here now” thing. Oh, I know it. My wife reminds me all the time to enjoy where I’m at, to stop wishing I was somewhere else, or doing something different. But I’m just writing about stuff on my mind and being honest. I’d love to be the guy who could actually be Zen and always living in the moment but I’m not that guy. I’m the guy always plotting the many things I want to do and trying to scheme how to get everything done on a schedule. Why the strict timeline? I don’t know. It’s just a part of myself I’ve come to be good friends with. I think it has something to do with thinking I could die any day. It’s not a morbid thought like “Today I could die,” but just a strange ever present reality that we have no idea how long we will live. While I don’t think about death, I do think about trying to get everything done. My mind is full of so many plans and ideas. I want to get them all accomplished in my lifetime and I don’’t think of a lifetime as a super long thing.

I feel like I could write for another hour but it’s nearly 8am and time to get my son up and fed before surf camp. I don’t think this is a writing that I would ever want to come back to later. It was just something to do while I had some decaf coffee and enjoyed the morning on the deck. I had a good nights sleep last night and this has me feeling energized. I should really do these sorts of writings on my Google Drive where they aren’t open to the public. But I do like trying to get my writing all together. Maybe if I don’t give it a catchy title no one will bother reading it. That woul be nice.

The cat still looks up at me and cries for no apparent reason.