Part 2 — Journey out of loneliness

“It was messy and emotional.
There were dead ends and side tracks.
But I grew. I learnt. I became a better person.
I may find myself in loneliness again
but I know now there is a beautiful world out there.
And I am ready to embrace it.”

In my last post I talked about the common paths into loneliness — changing cities, losing a loved one or endless work. In this blog, we will explore one’s journey out of loneliness.

This is NOT a typical “8-step remedy to your problem” blog. Giving a prescriptive universal way out of loneliness is a tall order. I will summarize the common elements across the hundreds of stories I heard — both successes and struggles.

8-step journey out of loneliness

1. The realization (and the reframing)
2. Find your cheerleaders
3. Ditch digital
4. Small first steps
5. Snowballing positive momentum
6. Commit & ritualize
7. Falling into belongingness
8. Give back

These steps can take place over 2 years or 2 hours. You may skip some steps or jumble the sequence.

Ok, let’s dig deeper.

Step 1: The realization (& the reframing)

It’s not them. It’s not you either.

“I was always on the edge. I felt lonely but I didn’t trust anyone to understand me. Why would I? I had suffered enough.

One morning it all changed. I was riding the bus to work. A toddler sat next to me. The little girl must have seen the deep sadness in my eyes. She stuck her tongue out and started laughing. I smiled. Soon, we were both laughing together.

Maybe I am wrong. I snap at my coworkers, fight with my mom and refuse to go out with friends. How did I become this person? A tear rolled down my eye. I felt ashamed — full of guilt and remorse.

It took me another 6 months to realize that it was not me either. I had somehow landed into loneliness.”

It’s not them: Loneliness changes your brain.

It makes you cynical, negative, wary, reactive and even hostile.

Decades of research by John Caccioppo has shown that loneliness impairs “executive functioning” — your ability to manage thoughts, emotions, and impulses. Lonely individuals are more sensitive to negative social cues. They tend to find greater fault in themselves and others around them. They feel reduced social happiness and more social pain. Loneliness numbs you.

It’s not surprising that we are wired to be cautious when separated from our tribe. Trusting a ‘wrong’ group of hunters could have meant deceit or even death. But while our context has changed, our wiring has not. The negative feedback loop of self-protection turns loneliness into a self-fulling prophecy. Others don’t trust you because you don’t trust them.

Step 1 is to realize that you may be on this negative hamster wheel. The realization can come from a toddler sitting next to you, a fleeting comment from a friend or a random act of kindness. These moments give you a glimpse into the world of connection around you. It invites you to open up for a warm hug.

It’s not you, either

The realization that loneliness has turned you into a cynic is crushing. It can trigger self loathing. You feel ashamed. Guilty. You don’t recognize yourself.

Anyone can land into loneliness for no fault of their own. In fact everyone feels lonely from time to time. It’s no different than feeling hungry without food or feeling physical pain when hurt. It’s your body’s way of signaling that you are missing an essential life ingredient.

Reframing your loneliness gives you the fuel to take the first steps out of loneliness.

Tldr; Yes, there is some deceit in the world but there is a lot more kindness. Catch yourself when you start building irrational negative stories about yourself or others around you. Don’t judge yourself harshly. Reach out to the toddler sitting next to you and laugh out loud.

Step 2: Find your cheerleaders

“It was an emotionally hard day. I was feeling lost and disconnected. The math teacher called out my name — Tina, why don’t you help the class with this question. Come up.

I was annoyed.

Sure enough I got engrossed in the problem. I loved math. She smiled at me. I knew she saw me. She cared. I was not annoyed anymore. I was grateful.”

Whether it’s your math teacher, hairdresser, therapist, sister or colleague — find your cheerleaders. Putting yourself out there is daunting. Having someone to share your journey with can make all the difference.

You may be wondering that I have got it all wrong. How can someone who is lonely have cheerleaders? You will be surprised.

The realization in step 1 makes you see cheerleaders around you that you may be unconsciously blocking. Many (but not all) success stories had this in common.

Cheerleaders may not be able to solve your loneliness but they can make the small successes sweeter and early failures less traumatizing.

Getting therapy or joining a support group can also help you find cheerleaders who root for you. If you don’t find cheerleaders, that’s ok too. Write a journal or just move to the next step.

Tldr; Open up. Share your journey with your cheerleaders (or write a journal). Subtext: Ignore the naysayers. The pessimists. They may be lonely themselves.

Step 3: Ditch digital

“It was the first day at my new dream job. I was excited. I entered the office cafe for breakfast. Everyone was staring at their mobile screens. They looked busy. No one looked up. No one asked me to join in. I shrunk. I found a seat in the corner and sat quietly. I wanted to disappear.”

“I was determined to improve my social life. I tried to make small talk, got invited to parties but nothing worked. One night I came back home late, switched on Netflix and binged watched for 8 hours straight. Next morning I felt pathetic.

That day I deleted Netflix, HBOmax, tiktok, instagram …

Then miraculously everything turned around. Without a screen in front of me all the time, I found myself at the gym every evening. I made friends. We met daily, we challenged each other, celebrated progress and went out for dinners. It felt great.

My old self would have passed on this incredible opportunity — escaping in my digital world instead of seeking out connection and being present. ”

The idea of ditching your phone is radical.

It’s right there next to you all the time, luring you to find instant gratification, instant dopamine hit. Why go out when you can netflix. Why make eye contact with a stranger when you can avoid the awkwardness. Finding connections, purpose, friendship, innovation and love takes time, effort and even boredom. You may be forgoing a lifetime of friendship because you didn’t look up from your screen.

We look at our phone 50–100 times a day. We reach for it unconsciously — in a meeting, while eating dinner, playing with kids, even while having sex. We have built an attention grabbing economy with addictive tools — notifications, reels, autoplay.

Not all digital technologies are inherently bad. I use my phone to connect with my friends miles away, share photos of my little one with my parents, and get on a family zoom call every month. But we have to be intentional about how to use technology.

All success stories I heard had a strong perspective on ditching digital media, at least in the beginning, to reset and detox. People reintegrated it consciously with clear boundaries.

Tldr; Ditch your phone. Ditch social media. Be present.

Step 4: Small first steps

“I saw a pickleball league poster in the neighborhood. Typically I would never consider going alone without a friend. But this time I did. While I didn’t make close buddies, I had fun and I got to know my neighbors.”

Putting yourself out there is intimidating.

Start small. Start with the familiar.

• Get outdoors. Go for a walk or a hike (even by yourself) to feel connected with nature.
• Say yes to a friend who has been asking to go out for a coffee.
• Call an old friend or call your mom
• Get back to a hobby. Even if you don’t make friends, you will probably have a good time.
• Volunteer. People are kind to those who help them.

You may be tempted to not try at all. Make it easy on yourself. Do things that bring you joy. Keep stakes low. You may feel rejected. Don’t be disheartened. Reach out to your cheerleaders.

You may be tempted to try too hard, to fill your calendar with events or ‘things to do’ that may not interest you. Be patient. Be kind to yourself. Don’t stretch yourself too thin. Just pick one.

These little steps come in many flavors — visiting family or old friends, joining crossfit, hiking groups, board games night, helping a neighbor with groceries. Each of us has a unique vision of our social life — some like to talk, others like to build things side-by-side, and some others just like to hang out.

While there is no-one-size-fits-all solution, certain types of gatherings are more likely to land a deeper sense of connection than others. We will deep dive more on this later.

Remember, not every first step will leave you feeling connected, some may even be disappointing. But it will make you proud. You tried.

Tldr; Start small. Keep expectations low.

Step 5: Snowballing positive momentum

“The day I got promoted, I was upbeat. The cynic had taken a back seat. I saw some of my colleagues at the watercooler and asked them out for drinks to celebrate my promo. They said yes! That was the start of my work friendships.”

Not all days are the same. Be opportunistic on when to push yourself. Take advantage of small wins. If you rocked your presentation at work, then try a conversation with the stranger you see everyday in the subway.

Build connections in your strong moments. In these moments the clouds disappear briefly. You are able to take risks and not be disheartened by rejections.

A few of these moments can create the momentum to propel you out of your shell. You will be surprised how quickly it snowballs!

Step 6: Commit. Ritualize.

“I was meeting a new group every week. It was exhausting. I wasn’t building connections. How could I commit without exploring all my choices? I wanted to find my perfect tribe.”

“Committing to a 3 month dance class was a game-changer. I knew what I was doing every Tuesday evening. I loved dancing. I liked the people I was dancing with. We stopped by the juice shop every week after class …”

Commitment is freedom. Rituals are liberating. Confused?

Let’s think of some of the happiest moments in our lives.

• Marrying the love of your life
• Landing your dream job
• Having a child
• Buying your first home
• Working on your life’s calling

These are commitments. Commitments give you purpose, make you feel connected. They enable you to give yourself away to something bigger.

We are a generation that spends more time scrolling through Netflix than watching a show. We keep our choices open as long as possible. We marry late. We don’t want to have kids. We don’t want to be tied down with commitments. Oh, the FOMO!

Of course it’s important to find a group with the right ingredients — a welcoming and safe space, an activity you enjoy, shared values. But once you find the basics, you have to take the leap to commit -

• Commit to give it a fair chance
• Commit to show up fully
• Commit to make it a ritual (preferably at the same time every week)
• Commit to be present
• Commit to assume the best intent from those around you

Commitment reduces cognitive load. It helps with habit formation. It deepens connections. It helps you channel your energy to what matters the most.

Don’t be afraid to update or renew your commitments every few months. Learn and evolve. No one will penalize you. In fact you may inspire some!

Tldr; Commitments liberate you from the choice paralysis. Celebrate your commitments. They are your path to deeper purpose and connection.

Step 7: Falling into belongingness

“I entered my class late, flustered and in tears. My bike got stolen that morning. I couldn’t afford a new bike. I was devastated and embarrassed. Next day, to my surprise, my classmates gave me a beautiful card and $600 to get a new bike. Everyone had contributed. I couldn’t believe it. I felt blessed and grateful.”

Falling into belongingness is like falling in love. You only know it once you have fallen in it. It often manifests as an unexpected act of kindness towards you or an innate desire to give back.

But not all activities lend themselves to belongingness. Time and again I heard people feeling dissatisfied that the groups they joined formed situational acquaintances that never led to deeper relationships. Interactions were restricted to an activity — work, soccer or school. It was busy work but they didn’t feel seen or supported.

Belonging flourishes when you feel cared for genuinely, or alternatively, when you care for someone/something without expecting anything in return. In both cases, you feel grateful and blessed.

Ironically, the more you obsess about finding belongingness, the more it evades you. If your ingoing expectation from the ‘tribe’ is too high you focus more on the differences, finding excuses on why it’s not an ideal group for you. You expect everyone to be at your service and make you feel like you belong. It becomes transactional. You set yourself up for failure.

You can’t force belongingness but you can create conditions that increase your chances of stumbling into it. Here are some such examples:

• Listening and sharing groups (e.g., support groups, close girl friends)
• Fellowship to a cause or belief system (e.g., religions, political parties, non-profits)
• Physically moving together, rhythmically (e.g., dance, workouts)
• Facing danger together (e.g., mountain climbing, army battalions)
• Supporting and celebrating each other (e.g., Japanese Moais)
• Building things from scratch (e.g., startups, Men’s shed, music band)
• Attaining a challenging goal together (e.g., sport leagues)
• Growing and learning together (e.g., universities)
• Deep lived experiences together (e.g., marriage, siblings)

We are at an opportune moment. While the traditional institutions of belonging are losing relevance, we have the liberty to define our own path. Belongingness can be designed into any physical space, activity and groups. We don’t think about it often enough and it’s a big missed opportunity for all institutions. More on this in the next blog.

Tldr; Show up fully. Give back without expecting anything in return. It’s the best way to stumble into belonging.

Step 8: Give back. Become a cheerleader.

“Giving back is a shortcut to feeling connected”

Social connection by definition is the act of giving yourself to the other. It provides a sense of purpose, accelerates connection, avoids excessive self-focus and negative rumination, and fills us with gratitude for what we have.

So listen intently. Share honestly. Support selflessly.

Before I end, I’ll leave you with a personal story.

Friday July 7 2023 — my last day at Google.

5 pm: I come home after a heart warming farewell from the team. It’s a big day. I am excited, scared, emotional. Will I be able to do this?

I messaged to my few close friends — “Left Google. Took the leap! Anyone up for celebrating my big day?”

10 mins — no responses
20 min — no responses

I write back “Folks, its friday! anyone?”
One response — "Sorry busy today. congrats btw.”

My monkey mind takes over. What! Just 3 words. Do they care! I can’t even get my best friends to meet in the real world. Do I even qualify to tackle the problem of loneliness?

STOP. I am making up stories. [Step 1 — The Realization]

6 pm: My husband enters. Sees my face. He knows.

“Go, get a swim. I’ll put the baby to sleep. Don’t worry about coming back early.” [Step 2 — My cheerleader]

My first thought. I don’t want to go. I want to hide myself in a tub of ice cream and watch Netflix. But I know swimming will help. I get changed. [Step 4 — Small first steps]

I put my phone in the locker. Turn off notifications on my watch. I don’t want to track how many of my friends didn’t care enough to respond. [Step 3 — Ditch digital]

30 min swim. I feel fresh, centered. My frustation disappears. My friends have a busy lives with little kids. I was too harsh. I felt lonely in the moment. Its natural to be emotional as I embark on this new journey. [Step 1 — The reframe]

7.30 pm: I go to the outdoor community spa (hot tub). There is a 60-something white man and a 20-something young woman in the spa. The spa is off. The white man looks new to the club, and presumably, didn't know how to turn the spa on. The woman is scrolling on her phone, has her airpods on, engrossed in her screen. She doesn’t notice me.

I look at the man. Awkward silence.

“Can I switch the spa on?” [Step 4 — Small first steps]

“Yes please!”

Awkward silence. We make eye contact again. He says —

“I just came back from a wonderful week in Sonoma with my step daughter. We went for the hot air balloon ride.”

After a brief exchange about Sonoma, I mentioned to him that it was my last day at work. I was nervous and excited to start my own company. [Step 5 — Snowballing positive momentum]

“I have changed my careers 4 times in the last 4 decades. I was a fighter pilot, a CEO at luxury cruise manufacturing business, a coach and now I work in tech. Transitions are difficult but its rewarding to reinvent yourself.”

He goes on to talk about vision boards, meditation and other techniques that help him prepare for big changes. I feel relieved, supported and inspired.

7.45 pm I say — “Its was so nice to meet you. I have to head back home to my husband and baby. Thanks for making my day!”

“Before you go, can you tell me what are you going to work on? I didn’t get a chance to hear your story.”

I look at the young women. She had noticed that we were having an interesting conversation. She tries to take her airpods out, but within a few seconds, puts it back in and goes back to scrolling. It’s too awkward for her.

“I want to work on the problem of loneliness and social disconnection, especially among young adults.” I say.

The man looks at the young woman. “My nephew really needs it. He is such a nice guy but has forgotten how to interact in the real world. He is on his screen 6–8 hours a day after school. I am rooting for you. [Step 7 — falling into belongingness]

He continues “I come here a few times a week. Next time we meet, I would love to know more! And, make that vision board.” [Step 6 — Commit & ritualize]

I feel seen, energized and inspired. I go back to the locker and switch on my phone. 2 missed call from mom and 7 messages from my friends.

“Wohoo! Can’t be happier for you, Saumya. You go, rock on. Let’s catch up over the weekend. Kids have a swimming class today.” [Step 7 — falling into belongingness]

I make a silent promise to not take my phone to the spa again.

Some days I use the time to meditate, other days I observe people lost in their phones, when I am lucky enough I connect with others and bring a smile to their face. [Step 8 — Give back]

Everyone’s experience of loneliness is unique. You may have a moment of doubt or a chronic feeling of emptiness. I share this story not to imply that it is easy or quick, or that it can always be resolved in a few hours. But I want you to know that you have the power to influence the course of your experience.

I am privileged to have the cheerleaders, support and resources. I am ever grateful towards them.

See you next week.

We will deep dive into the stories loneliness busters who are working on the frontlines of this problem.