Acceptance

It never comes easy

It’s taken me a lot of time to build up enough confidence to actually call myself beautiful

I said it for the first time out loud a few days ago

It had been ages since the last time I said that or even thought that way about myself

I hated myself

Every morning I would wake up and sigh when I would come face to face with my. reflection in the mirror

My doubt always towered over my confidence

My fear was stronger than my love for myself for years and years of my life

I saw the beauty in everything where people believed there was no beauty except for in myself

It’s not life that I hated, it was me that I hated

But before you think this is simply an act for attention

I want to make it clear that this isn’t a cry for help, this is a celebration in victory

I’ve finally come to terms with the concept that I’m not disgusting

I really did think I was for so long

It was hard for me to accept compliments because I simply just didn’t understand them

I didn’t believe them

It felt like everyone was lying to me all the time

How hard it was to always think people were bending the truth

I would always tell other people how beautiful they were and when they never agreed with me I didn’t understand why

I always thought, “she looks so good, everyone tells her that she does. Her boyfriend too, why doesn’t she believe them?”

I never took the time to sit down and realize I was also asking myself why I didn’t believe everyone who told me I was pretty, smart, or whatever else

It was so long ago when I first realized I was never going to compare to everyone around me

That’s all I ever worried about

Constantly comparing myself to everyone else

It wasn’t a healthy mindset, not in the slightest way

And when I finally spoke to someone about this, I realized how ridiculous it was to always compare myself and my accomplishments to other people when it’s clear that I’m my own unique individual and I never will compare to anyone

I was running in circles trying to figure out why I couldn’t do what everyone else could do

I suppose I was this way because my mom always compared me to everyone

There wasn’t a time I don’t remember her asking me why I wasn’t like “all my friends”

I guess it just kind of stuck to me

I was finally told that this wasn’t a good way to live

That I would never be happy if I couldn’t settle with myself

So lately, that’s all I’ve been trying to do

Accept myself

I think the concept of me trying to live up to everyone’s expectations and be like everyone else also sprouted from the idea that I had never had an easy time making friends

I never could wrap my head around why it was so hard for me

This was in fact in elementary school that I had first discovered my difficulty in fitting in

And then there were times where I was bullied

And I’d look around and no one, not a single person, had as much drama as I did at such a young age

I was supposed to be carefree

But I wasn’t

Because instead I was tied down by the idea that I had to learn to fit in when most people I came across just wanted to degrade me

And then there was my mother who couldn’t fathom the idea of accepting me for who I was, and had no understanding of how to connect with me personally

And that just made it harder and harder for me to enjoy my own company when no one else could

Not my own mother

Not my own father

Not my own friends

And when middle school came around I saw a time for new beginnings

But that time never came

And things remained the same

I was just a nobody struggling to become a somebody who remained irrelevant

And as people grow older they become meaner

As did I

I became so horrible with myself

I never knew how to socialize with a single person

It was like I had forgotten how to speak

And every time I heard someone whispering around me I always jumped to the conclusion that

It was about me

I thought the world was against me

Then I had my first heartbreak

And it ruined me even more

It shattered my already broken confidence into nothing but dust

But I got over it

Eventually

And then came the time where I had to learn to get over my own struggles

And into high school it finally seemed like I had hope for myself

I was becoming confident enough to smile at myself and truly feel good

But yet

I still had the constant hunger to feed everyone else’s desires but my own

I still compared myself to other people and I still lived up to everyone’s expectations

I never felt like I was enough

It took a lot of self destruction and rebuilding into who I really am to finally figure out that I don’t need to compare myself to anyone

And it took good friends and people that I love deep down to help me finally come to terms with the fact that I am an

individual

And it took me 16 years, 16 years to realize that

I am a perfect version of myself

And I just need to accept that

•••

This was just a brief explanation on my journey through my struggles to accept myself. I wrote this recently a few nights back when I was, for once, feeling really good about myself. It’s taken me years to come to where I am today, and lots of hurt in my heart to build up my strength. But now I feel stronger than I’ve ever been before, and I finally feel good. I hope if anyone else is struggling out there with accepting themselves that they can take something away from this and know that other people too struggle with understanding and loving themselves. I hope people can realize that acceptance is a process, and cannot be changed with the flick of a switch. It takes patience, lots of patience, especially for people who’ve been raised into situations where they were told that they’re nothing special, and that what they feel and say does not matter. I’ve met people who have been taught these things, and for some, it’s easier to shake it off than others. So please, be patient if you know someone struggling with acceptance. Be patient because they want to love themselves just as much as you want them to. Be patient, and encourage them, even if they don’t believe you right away. Remember that these things take time, and don’t leave someone whether it be a friend or more just because you’re “tired” of them not being able to come to terms with themselves. Confidence is a fragile thing and should be handled carefully especially for those who possess so little of it. So support your friends and never fail to compliment someone you love if it’s on your mind. Because even if they don’t believe it, hearing it makes all the difference.

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