saundra
saundra
Aug 8, 2017 · 2 min read

My biggest fear

is the fear of judgement.

Most of you that know me already know that.

When I’m in school I am quiet if I’m not around people I do not know well.

Put me in a group of my good friends and I’ll be the loudest person you’ll ever meet.

There’s two sides to me and one of them most people have never even seen.

I seem reserved and shy in class.

It’s because I’ve always struggled with coping with the freedom to express myself, especially in groups of people I am unfamiliar with.

If we’re being honest here, I live in fear.

It sounds dramatic but, my mind is often thinking about what other people are thinking of me, how they are judging me.

I’ve had countless people tell me, why care what they think? Their opinions don’t matter, ignore it.

It’s not easy like that.

At the back of my mind I’m always wondering what other people are thinking about me and if they’re judging me.

I’ve gotten better about one thing though.

I no longer change myself for others.

I try my best to live up to no ones expectations besides my own.

But it doesn’t completely eliminate how scared I am about how other people see me.

It’s why I’m scared for this school year.

I’m honestly very hesitant about my ELA and history class.

I feel like a lot of people misjudge me in those classes, and as much as people say I shouldn’t care, regardless, I still do.

I’m trying not to, but I still do.

And so now I can’t get it out of my mind how I’m going to ever be able to do something as simple as a presentation or discussion in class without worrying what other people think.

I’m going to ask myself,

“How will I mess up this time?”

Or I’ll think,

“I’m going to sound/look stupid,”

I really need to break out of this habit of caring what other people think and I know the best way to do that is to make other people aware of how I feel.

This is very important to me because my fears are a part of who I am.

And it’s taking awhile to change that, to better myself.

    saundra

    Written by

    saundra

    romans 12:21 • mrhs '19 • az

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