Not Your Typical Love Story: How I Learned to Love Myself
I’ve never been a fan of writing about love. A few years ago I did not really believe in this four-letter word or that it even existed. I believed it was a myth and I needed more proof of its existence, something I sadly experienced with great pain.
I am certainly not an over emotional person, I don’t have the tendency to cry easily. I am not rigid or fragile; my friends describe me as an emotionally cold. My emotions are always locked up somewhere deep inside, that I can’t even retrieve them when I need them.
I didn’t find babies cute, or cats adorable. I didn’t go around smiling to every baby I see. I didn’t have the tendency to think with my heart, I think with the most powerful organ I have…my brain.
So when he came along, I thought I would play it logical. However, sooner than I thought my heart was coming in the way of my logic. I started to act upon what my heart and body wanted, and not what I found logically correct.
We started off as friends, and then slowly the random texts turned into daily ones. I slowly found myself disclosing my secrets, and my feelings to this person, and he did the same.
I would see or talk to him everyday for hours on end, we shared everything together; our insecurities, our problems, our opinions and knowledge but never our feelings towards one another. He was my addiction, my heroin, my nicotine, and I needed him all the time, I was out of control. I didn’t have the guts to tell my girlfriends at first because I knew they would disapprove. I kept it all in for the first six months. I lied to them about seeing him, because I knew they would join us and I wanted him all for myself. I lied to study groups, professors and I left everything that was important to see him.
By the time a year passed, and we were still friends, I could not hold it in any longer. He was giving me signals that he felt the same way. We flirted non-stop, he shared all his insecurities with me, and we spent every waking hour together when we would go home for vacations. I introduced him to my friends back home and he did the same. I started to slowly feel like this was going to happen, and I waited longer and longer but still nothing would happen.
I needed more and more of my heroin, more and more of him, to keep me happy and that was all that I wanted, I was madly insanely in love with an addiction that to my dismay turned out to be a placebo. He was not my drug, he was a placebo.
Until a year of flirting and spending too much time together passed, that he had told me one fateful night about another girl he liked. My heart started burning and my body began to get warm. My heart was traumatized and shattered into a million pieces, as I felt a tear in my eye I was speechless. I held my breathe as long as I could until I could comprehend what he was saying, my hands began to shake and nothing would stop them.
All the happiness I felt when I was with him just went away, and all I could feel was despair. I finally told him how I felt; and to my dismay he did not feel the same. I never showed him how weak I became after that fateful night, but deep down I was broken. I didn’t cry in front of him, I instead put on a smile and acted like I was okay with it…but I wasn’t. I felt like every bone in my body was breaking and every vessel of blood was filled with nothing but pain.
Countless sleepless nights I spent wondering and hoping he would love me back; the nights included sad songs, and oceans of tears.
I was a ghost for months on end, I spent my days and nights thinking if I should fight for him and I did. I fought, and every rejection came with more pain, worse and worse every time.I blocked myself from the world around me for months, even though we stayed friends and still saw each other every other day; I was able to hide my broken heart and anger..
I tried to change myself for him, I changed my clothes, my make up, my interests and I even tried to make myself look dumb because I thought he would be less intimidated.
I constantly thought about the day I would wake up and have my feelings erased, and everyday I woke up with an ache in my heart that he was not mine. He brought out a side of me I never knew I existed. I guess now that I see his true self which is selfish, self absorbed and arrogant, and I can’t think of him the same way.
We stayed friends after my confession, and I tried as much I could to put my feelings for him aside. For a year I covered up my feelings and acted all normal around him, but I was not fine and I was not over him.
Now, four years later I still love him but no longer “in love”. I realized that I was stupid enough to think that I should change myself to be with him, make myself less smart or intellectual, dress showing off more cleavage and acting more girly just to please him. However, he will always be the first person I ever fell in love with and the first person to ever break me. He changed me. With all the pain and heartache I went through, he made me a better person.
He made my realize that I don’t need to change myself to be with someone, or to make someone love. I learned that I deserve better than him and that I deserve to be happy with or without him. For years I based my happiness of him and now I couldn’t careless if he’s happy or not, as long as I put myself first and I, myself am happy, then I can help him or anyone else be happy.
I close this by saying:
To you, I thank you for changing me and I despise you for breaking me, for making me feel worthless, for brainwashing me to love you and only you. I now know that I should always put myself first and you were not worth any of the pain you caused me.