Introducing: the FITbit (for measuring fits online)

Exercise is OUT — getting mad online is IN.

*This piece was originally published on Funny or Die


Fitbit
San Francisco
Press Release
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Introducing FITbit, a new product for measuring fits online

At Fitbit, innovation is at the heart of what we do. That’s why we’re always looking for ways to take our products to the next level. Also, we like making money! Lots and lots of money. We’re so rich lol.

At one point Americans cared about cutting calories. We liked going outside. We liked running, for some reason. And we liked hearing our moms say, “Actually, I’m going to keep walking, I need to hit my steps goal for the day.”

Steps were like gold, and the last few years were like the California Gold Rush.

But it’s 2018 now and those days are long gone. Getting exercise is OUT — getting mad online is IN.

Our team of data-synergy-consulting-experts have ran the numbers and the results are clear. In fact, nothing has ever been this popular since ending Prohibition. People LOVE getting angry online. Whether it’s about politics, sports, Blake Shelton, Tide Pods — it doesn’t matter what the topic is, you can bet someone will get mad about it.

We’ve even developed a formula to help illustrate this:

P x O + I = A or Person x Opinion + Internet = Anger

Fitbit is Einstein and this is the modern E = MC2 (Again, we are geniuses please give us your money).

We know what you’re probably thinking. “I get it, people like being Mad Online, I have a Twitter account this isn’t breaking news.”

Sure, sure. BUT, have you had a way to actually measure how mad you get online? No, you haven’t. That is, until now.

Our new product tracks all of your fit-related goals. How many times do you say “shit” under your breath while you’re scrolling through Twitter? How many times do you roll your eyes while reading articles? What is your ratio of yelling vs crying when you see Trump’s name? We’ve got you covered.

Oh, also it’s waterproof! Don’t know if people still care about that kind of thing or not.

It’s time to put the fit back in fitness. Start counting your steps (towards absolutely losing it) and get your FITbit today!