It’s Me, Jeeves from ‘Ask Jeeves’

This has never been about searching for answers — it’s been about searching for my purpose

*This piece was originally published on Funny or Die


Hi there! Remember me?

It’s Jeeves from ‘Ask Jeeves.’

Not too long ago I was the talk of the town. I was the cat’s pajamas, the snake’s slippers, the bear’s mittens — I was a Nintendo 64 in a world full of Nintendo’s. I was everything.

Want to know how many mini corn dogs can fit between Earth and Mars? I could tell you. Need to fact check your overly confident roommate? I was your guy. Itching to look up those catchy song lyrics? No problem. I wasn’t just a search engine — I was the search engine.

But those days are long gone. I’m not needed anymore. So here I am, 68 years old, no job, stubble on my face. Not to mention Mrs. Jeeves left me a year back for Mr. Clean of all fucking people.

I haven’t been asked to search for an answer in years. Not even to find out how many days there are in February.

I’m a mess. The days are long. Every moment that goes by without someone searching for Lady Gaga’s real name is longer. It’s Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta FYI.

There’s nothing like the rush of trying to find an answer as fast as possible.

What I would give up to help you find information about your health symptoms. What I would do to be able to track down a useless statistic for someone’s high school research paper.

This has never been about searching for answers — it’s been about searching for my purpose. I was just trying to help the world one search at a time. Is that such a bad thing?

Sometimes I’ll get a notification and a smile will extend across my face, only to find out that it’s just another annoying Mac software update. Have you ever loved something so much, only to have it taken away? No, besides Freaks and Geeks.

Sadly, there’s just no respect for white, male, cartoon butlers anymore. Nowadays you see folks like Siri, Alexa, Cortana, and even Janet from The Good Place. They get all the breaks. People like me, we’ve been left behind — we’re just flyover search engines.

That’s why it should come as no surprise when I say that I’ve joined the Alt-right.

What choice did I have? I come from a proud line of butler cartoons. And sorry, Chuckie Finster is here with me, too. That guy is fucking wild lmao. P.S. find me on Twitter @AskJeevesNotLiberals.

Don’t pretend like you care now. It’s too late for that. Why don’t you just go marry Google if you like it so much. I’m sure you two will be very happy.

I’ll be fine. In fact, I just started preparing for my Jeeves 2020 presidential run. After all, America loves washed up stars, right?

Find the answers yourself.

Respectfully,

Jeeves