Things I’ve Learned from Horror Movies

Don’t go outside..or inside…or upstairs or downstairs.

*This piece was originally published on Funny or Die


While sometimes scary, horror movies are full of teachable moments to help us survive life. Below is a list of some practical things I’ve learned from watching them over the years. I hope someone finds them useful.

Things I’ve learned from horror movies:

-Don’t ever go to a cabin

-Absolutely no road trips

-NEVER go upstairs

-Or downstairs

-Avoid going inside & also outside

-Leave old, dusty books alone (can’t stress this enough!!)

-Reading only leads to reciting weird spells

-Don’t have too many friends

-Actually, don’t have any friends

-Only be friends with animals

-But not too friendly

-Anything you grow close to will die

-Also, no breathing. Ever.

-And never move houses

-If you have to move, just live in a tent forever

-That’s your life now, people call you the “tent person”

-Always leave your car running

-Check the back seats before driving away

-Mostly just in case there’s leftover candy or something, that’d be awesome

-And check the trunk

-Also, be sure to check under the car

-All clear? Good. Now burn the car. Set it on fire.

-Then drive it into a lake

-Um, what are you doing?!

-That’s exactly what the monster wants you to do

-It’s a lake creature, this was a test

-You’re so predicable

-Did you notice “predictable” was spelled wrong?

-You need to be ready for anything

-Just remember: once it gets dark out it’s too late

-That’s why you need to move to Alaska

-Can’t afford an airplane ticket?

-No worries, there’s always a shitty sequel


For more, follow Jon on Twitter @Savittj