Things I’ve Learned from Horror Movies
Don’t go outside..or inside…or upstairs or downstairs.
*This piece was originally published on Funny or Die
While sometimes scary, horror movies are full of teachable moments to help us survive life. Below is a list of some practical things I’ve learned from watching them over the years. I hope someone finds them useful.
Things I’ve learned from horror movies:
-Don’t ever go to a cabin
-Absolutely no road trips
-NEVER go upstairs
-Avoid going inside & also outside
-Leave old, dusty books alone (can’t stress this enough!!)
-Reading only leads to reciting weird spells
-Don’t have too many friends
-Actually, don’t have any friends
-Only be friends with animals
-But not too friendly
-Anything you grow close to will die
-Also, no breathing. Ever.
-And never move houses
-If you have to move, just live in a tent forever
-That’s your life now, people call you the “tent person”
-Always leave your car running
-Check the back seats before driving away
-Mostly just in case there’s leftover candy or something, that’d be awesome
-And check the trunk
-Also, be sure to check under the car
-All clear? Good. Now burn the car. Set it on fire.
-Then drive it into a lake
-Um, what are you doing?!
-That’s exactly what the monster wants you to do
-It’s a lake creature, this was a test
-You’re so predicable
-Did you notice “predictable” was spelled wrong?
-You need to be ready for anything
-Just remember: once it gets dark out it’s too late
-That’s why you need to move to Alaska
-Can’t afford an airplane ticket?
-No worries, there’s always a shitty sequel
For more, follow Jon on Twitter @Savittj