If You’re Like Me

From Pixabay

If you’re like me, your crush is probably kissing someone else and sucking on their tits and you’re losing your friends because you’re an idiotic, self-destructive bitch who eventually pushes away the people who love her so she can engage in self-destructive behaviors without the guilt of commitment and you’re having trouble separating your personal life from college classes so you go between participating and trying not to cry because crying in class is weird and you need to turn in your accommodations letter so that if you need to go to the bathroom to cry for fifteen minutes your professors won’t give you the stank eye when you slip back into your seat like nothing just happened. You’re fine. Really. You’re fine- except sometimes you think about your parents’ divorce and you get upset because you’re a family person and you love both your mom and dad and hate that they probably won’t ever get back together. No amount of begging was able to keep them together. You miss your sister despite the stupid arguments you had with her in the past. Both of you love each other so much and those arguments were just immaturity. You know you shouldn’t complain so much because at least you’re not living in a war-torn land. You could be getting blown up somewhere. At least your family is alive and living comfortably. Ha.

You have so much to be grateful for and you know it which makes everything worse. You’re grateful but it’s buried beneath all the unwanted sadness, emptiness, and loneliness because for whatever reason you have major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder and here you are online complaining about your problems, being all raw and publicizing your personal business as if anyone cares or can get anything out of it. But you’re writing anyways, partly to get out your emotions and partly because you want someone who feels remotely similar to know they’re not alone. And you reeeeeally just want God to send you someone who relates and won’t think you’re disgusting when you spill all your cringe-worthy feelings and not think you’re awful when you fuck up with them.

You’re not an angel or a demon. You just are. And you’re barely making it through each day and you have three really close friends and you’re wondering when they’ll give up on you because not only are you imperfect but also you’re a ticking time bomb sinking deep into an ocean of negativity and wondering how far you’ll drop before you explode. You don’t know if you want to pray to God for Him to heal you or to bring you to the other side because honestly you offer nothing to this planet and you really hate when club applications at university ask you what skills you have because that question just reminds you that you don’t have any. You hope that no future employers will read this article and see how pathetic you are because how embarrassing would that be. You’re also embarrassed to possibly have your friends read this but hey, what’s the point of a friendship if they only know an illusion of you?

You feel like trash and you wonder what life would be like if you were prettier, smarter, more talented, and more confident. Would guys want to date you? Would people want to hang out with you? They say insecurity turns people off from wanting to be your friend or significant other. But what? Are you supposed to fake it and then bring out the insecurities about a year or two later? You used to be able to hide but you can’t hide anymore. It’s good, though. At least they can know the gross parts before they decide to get closer. That hurts less than them leaving you once they find out who you really are.

If you’re like me, you simultaneously hate everyone and love everyone and you hate that sometimes you hate everyone. They did nothing to you. You’re just not good enough for them. You love everyone because everyone deserves love….except you. For whatever reason, the rules change for you. You are your worst enemy. You can’t tell if Satan is filling your head with lies or if every bad thought you have towards yourself and people comes from the darkest part of your heart. Maybe it’s both. But maybe, just maybe, there’s a reason you’re experiencing these emotions. Maybe, just maybe, something fruitful will come out of them. Maybe, just maybe, there’s a reason to keep fighting and you already know what the reason is. You’re just waiting for it to win the battle against the negativity overshadowing it.

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Written by

Just a lady wanting to discuss both the sweet and messy parts of life and spread hope to anyone viewing life through jaded eyes.

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