Have people ever commented with a positive remark and you just want to laugh and say “you have no idea.”

I am told constantly “ your such a happy go lucky person, your so joyful, your such an outgoing and happy person.” I usually laugh and say “ha thanks”

Because I don’t know what else to say. I’m not going to share my truth with everyone who comments. And guys I mean A TON of people tell me these positive things. And I believe that it’s because I am outgoing when I’m around people, I am a little bit more of what I use to be. A little more joyful. And everything I show emotionally is genuine. So at work I am genuinely spunky, passionate, feisty, and more cheerful. So it’s not that I’m not honest about my feelings in the current moment at work.

They just have no idea who I really am the second I am alone. The second I get home. The second I let my body go into overdrive. The second I let myself be alone I am without a doubt a wreck.

They have no idea I was catotinic for 3 months, did 9 treatment centers, did TMS, ECT, every SSRI, and now my only hope is this MAOI. All of that for my chronic depression. They don’t know that my therapist told me “I was the most clinically depressed patient she’s ever worked with.” When she said that I started taking my health more seriously. But I didn’t get “better”

They don’t know that this year alone I almost committed suicide 3 times. And once was so close that if the person I called at the very last second didn’t pick up the phone I wouldn’t be alive today. They don’t know that I have my suicide letter saved in one of my books. Because one day I “might need it.” They don’t know that I am the most unhappy, go lucky person that they may have ever met. They don’t know that I lost my hero in 2015 to cancer and my best friend in 2017 to my own inability to understand boundaries.

That at the end of everyday I get into bed and cry. I cry myself to sleep. I have gotten use to the warm salty tears falling down my cheeks. In a way it’s become soothing. And every morning when I wake up I feel anger at God that I woke up at all, that I’m still alive, that he didn’t let me die in my sleep, that I have to get out of bed and make my day livable. That I have to take one miserable step in front of the other, half crawling, half walking to just get downstairs. Then I sit at the table staring off at the mail on the table or the small window, imagining what it would be like to not be alive. Day dreaming and zoning off into a world of hope that death would bring me light. Death would free me. Then I get out of my state like trance do to my cat meowing or my phone buzzing. Realize my reality and sigh. Thinking “this day sucks so much” even if really dosnt. But it’s the way it feels. As in thinking this day sucks I am at this point walking down the stairs to my car, trying to think about all the things I need to have for work or any other appointments, making sure I have everything needed. I get to my car, usually annoyed that I locked it, but I shouldn’t actually be annoyed because it’s a safety thing. But for some reason EVERY morning I’m highly annoyed about my locked car. Once I open the door I slug all my stuff to the passenger side of the car, pulling out my Gatorade so it does not leak, double checking that I have my wallet, double checking that I took all my meds, have my snacks, and triple checking for anything else needed. Once I have fulfilled this task I start my car, blast the music and drive. My drive to work and therapy is far. It’s about 2 hours. So I for 2 hours do everything and anything but think. I focus on the roads, anxiously check the time to see if I’m going to be late, but I’m able to numb out my misery. I’m able to run, run from my pain, run from my feelings. I try to keep running so I don’t have to look back.

Once I arrive at my destination I usually feel dead inside. Miserable. But I redo my makeup attempting to perfect it, fix my hair, and get out of the car and walk into my designated place. Usually it’s work.

And for about 5/8 hours I’m able to be myself. My genuine self. Sometimes it’s only 4/8. But there’s some joy I get to experience during that day. I have my bestie “he’s been nick named that” he’s so awesome. He makes me laugh so much. So there’s him. Then Beavis and Butt-head who are brothers and are a shit show. They have me laughing so hard. Then there are a few lady’s who are so loving, motherly, care taking, hard working, and they are just these amazing people you want to hug and never let go of. One of them has 5 kids and she has 3 jobs. I have never met anyone like her. She worked harder then anyone I know. Then there is my main manager that I LOVE so much. He has been an incredible person. He celebrates every day as another day to be alive. He is a wonderful man.

Then there’s my favorite MOD and she comes off as this hard ass that’s cold and controlling. BUT guess what….. not true whatsoever. I have this way of reading people and sometimes it’s great other times it’s a pain in my ass. But for her she likes things to be controlling and correct, she’s feisty as shit, she comes off as cold. But she is actually what I call a teddy bear. Her heart is the mushy loving kind. She has a roadblock up making it seem that she does not care. But she does. Some of us show sentimental emotions externally and others show them internally. She shows hers internally. And I am the opposite. She’s very protective of herself and the people she loves. Something makes me think she had to grow up fast and learn to not show or express feelings. But anger was considered appropriate. So it sounds like “wow she’s intense” nope not at all. She makes me laugh so hard I cry, she rolls her eyes at me more then anyone I have ever worked for, I love seeing her face because it gives me a genuine smile. We’re actually VERY alike. Which is why sometimes I think we get aggravated with one another sometimes. We both like control and order but done in our own ways, we’re feisty as shit but my feisty is inside while she openly shows hers. I am an emotional teddy bear and I may show it outwards but I can literally see her beating loving heart equate to a teddy bear as well.

There’s more but it’s late and I’m tired. Moral of my story is I love my job and the people I work With so much but they done know “the truth about me”

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