I leave Saturday morning at 3am to begin my 30 hour road trip back to where I moved from a year ago. My best friend is flying down and my cat is coming along for the horrid drive. We have hotels booked but 8–10 hours a day is longggg.
Moving here was the biggest mistake I have ever made. And if I could take it back I would in a heartbeat. My biggest regret is moving here. Because here is where I lost my best friend to my lack of ability to listen to boundaries. I want to say “it’s not my fault, I didn’t mean to, my borderline isn’t fixed and I’m sorry.” But it dosnt matter if I meant to or didn’t mean to. It happened. I crossed a huge magnificent line. And now I’m leaving with a broken and devastated heart. Self hate for what I have done. Sadness from everything we once had. I destroyed it all. Loosing a best friend to your own behaviors is a horrible feeling. She wasn’t just any best friend. She’s been the one person who I have devoutly loved and cared for. Problem is I can care for her no matter what. I would do anything. And I have. But the same couldn’t happen in return because I was to much. And I was told I was a burden. At least she was honest. But there goes every text that begins with “good morning, hi, omg guess what happened, traffic is so terrible, I’m so excited about this, good night, I love you, how are you, whatcha doing, how do you feel, are you excited, I miss you, my family, my art work, tv shows, books, thank you, your welcome, how was therapy, how are your kids, my mattress is broken hahahah, all and any laughs. Such as tonight i wanted to text her and tell her “and I just got tooth paste in my eye” #truestory. And I almost did but then I remembered I can’t. Everything is so broken and sad. I can’t believe I did this to myself.