In every person, there exists a balance between two energetic poles: masculine and feminine. This balance is unique to each individual and can manifest differently in different types of relationships. In this post, I explore the basic dynamic between masculine and feminine energy in heterosexual relationships, but these principles can also be applied to same-sex relationships. As a matter of fact, this concept of polarity is well-understood in the LGBTQ+ community.
It’s important to note that our bodies and hormone expression vary based on our sex. This doesn’t mean we should subscribe to traditional gender roles, but denying our differences can be just as damaging as suppressing or exaggerating stereotypical gender roles.
Masculine and feminine energy are completely different, yet we all embody a combination of both. In heterosexual relationships, men tend to have a higher ratio of tendencies that fall into the masculine pole: detachment, independence, analytical thinking, problem-solving, and competitiveness, while women tend to have a higher ratio of tendencies that fall into the feminine pole: emotional intelligence, interdependence, intuition, nurturing, and cooperation.
Many problems in relationships can be traced back to depolarization, which is when one or both partners feels the need to develop the traits of the opposite energy. For example, when a man defaults too far into his feminine tendencies, or when a woman defaults too far into her masculine tendencies, couples oftentimes fall into discord. This can manifest as anger, depression, frustration, a lot of fighting, emasculation on the man’s side, and the woman feeling unsupported, unsafe, or unclear about her partner’s intentions. When a relationship depolarizes, you don’t feel the connection you used to, either because both of you have developed the same type of energy or because you are not embracing your true selves. This can eventually lead to complete alienation of affection and attention.
Depolarization kills passion. A sexy, fun, amazing relationship is now, at best, a friendship.
Masculine Polarity
The energy that drives masculine polarity is focused and directive. Masculine energies are most fulfilled when they have a purpose and actively work toward a goal. They have a strong physical presence and are mentally centered and unwavering. They are good decision-makers and love a challenge, and while they can seem unemotional, they want to be appreciated for their skills and contributions.
Masculine polarity can become depolarized when they are required to take on the role of caretaker in the relationship or if their partner questions their direction (whether because they are lost while driving or are struggling with direction in life). Someone with masculine energy won’t feel a sexual tie to their partner if they feel overly criticized, controlled or that their partner is closed off to them.
Feminine Polarity
Feminine polarity seeks emotional fulfillment and connection. This energy is open and full of energy, oftentimes nurturing, other times more free-spirited. It is all about emotion for the feminine partner — giving and receiving love, making connections, and appreciating the beauty of life.
For a person with feminine polarity, if they feel unseen, feel unsafe, or feel that they’re not understood, then there will be no sexual attraction for their masculine partner. Similarly, if a feminine person is criticized for looking run down or worn out, they feel less radiant and unloved, and they will start to shut down. As David Deida says, “Never tell a man with a masculine sexual essence that he is wrong, and never tell a woman with a feminine sexual essence that she is ugly.”
Understanding and embracing the concept of polarity is crucial in relationships. When both parties fully express their natural energies and states, it drives passion, connection, and understanding, which leads to a healthy relationship overall. But when the polarity is out of balance, misunderstandings, disconnection, and a breakdown in sexual and emotional intimacy can occur. By being aware of our own masculine and feminine energy and how they interact with our partners, we can create a more harmonious relationship.
