Over the counter..
I was feeling down for a couple of days…
An intense sense of not belonging…
I bought some A-grade “fear” off the shelf..40bucks a pack..
It was a miracle..I became so afraid of things around me that I forgot being alone.. I was scared of people smiling at me..I was afraid of the tap water trickling at night…the leaves moving when gentle wind ruffled them up..the undistinguished bumping noise that came from my parents room at night..the dog licking his paws clean..I was afraid.
I belonged to fear.
Until I realised that I belonged to fear. I bought a pack of “vanity “ from Alibaba. Got it home delivered.
For the first two days, I felt like the king of the world. It felt like things existed because they wanted to be with me in the same time zone…Things happened because they wanted me to notice them.
Then it fizzled out.
I checked the expiry date on the back of the pack.It said 20th December 2175. The world was destined to end by 2075. A 5 month kid in a remote village in India had prophesied this while sucking on his mother’s breast.
Mostly a counterfeit. You can’t trust these Mars based manufacturers. Hence I bought a pack of “perspective” from one of the pharmacy chains. Sadly the insurance didn’t cover it. I had to put my house on mortgage to the avail the pack.
It wasn’t the most pleasant experience. In a room full of gangbangers I spotted a prom queen..the loneliest person I have seen since the invention of with 7 others. The others didn’t seem lonely…they were just empty.
If you don’t understand the difference between being empty and being lonely..well.you are the former.
I could listen to some old hog blabbering and had to understand his bullshit point-of-view. I couldn’t slap him anymore for spilling coffee over his own hands.
I couldn’t see the point in spewing hate inside and outside myself against pink men…or horbaslims or guesbians for that matter. They could do what they want and be how they are, none of it was my fucking business.
It was too much to take, mostly the medicines interacted with my low self esteem and insecurity and created major side effects which lead to the above said events or thoughts..
This time I went to the Doctor…enough of this over the counter stuff. After thorough diagnosis he prescribed me “Ignorance” . It was fully covered by insurance companies as well. One pill everyday morning.
After couple of days the front news read “ Prophet child aged 5 Months killed, as his prophecy was against the prophecy by another 5 month old kid in some other part of the world.” Below the above news was a a small ad hidden in one corner.“Flat 2% discount on purchase of 500kgs of detergent” . 2% is a lot. I was excited.
I have been having normal stools since then..the medicines work.