True Life:

I Watch Cartoon Porn

Dating as a sex worker is hard. It’s even more difficult when the guy I’m sleeping with asks what type of porn I’d like to watch, and I can’t give him an honest answer. I scroll diligently through the videos and clips until, exasperated, he asks if he can pick the video. Alternatively, we both get tired and nix the idea all together. Sometimes he becomes suspicious, Why does it take you so long to pick a video? And I answer, coyly, Babe, I’m picky…quality takes time. All of this is easier than admitting I like watching cartoon porn.

At least, it was for me. Hi, my name is Sayoni Nyakoon and I’m a big fan of hentai or Japanese animated porn. Comically unrealistic images and storylines, cartoonishly over the top voice acting, giant throbbing octopus penises — I’ve seen it all (mostly) and I’m a fan (mostly). You may wonder why, as a sex worker and sex positive person, I become bashful when discussing my preferences for visual smut with my partner.

The thing is, I’m trying to figure that out too. Maybe my upbringing had something to with it? My father was a Baptist minister in a Kentucky town that had sided with the confederacy during the civil war. I’m sure my career as a stripper heavily deviated from the path my parents and the members of my father’s congregation thought up for me. Today, I’m rarely embarrassed and seldom ashamed of anything I do. However, maybe growing up Black and African on the wrong side of the Mason-Dixon line has influenced my personality more than I care to admit.

There are other factors too. Hentai is a branch of anime and I’ve only recently become proud, not tolerant, of my nerd-hood. Additionally, while all pornography, especially that of the mainstream variety, has problematic factors, the use of purportedly under aged characters (with bodies showing varying degrees of “maturity”) makes me wince, especially as a sexual abuse survivor. Further still, maybe I’m ashamed to mention it in front of my partner because I use porn to masturbate and not as a tool in foreplay.

With this in mind, it makes sense that there are some things I share with a lover and others that I don’t, at least until I truly get to know that person. Who knows, maybe if I keep some things to myself and stop worrying about what I’m not telling a partner I can have a relationship last longer than six months. The thing is, my fantasies don’t have to be politically correct because they have nothing to do with the reality of my life. In the same way I keep my Kid Rock jam sessions private, I can keep my porn preferences tucked away because there are some things we share with others and there are some things we keep to ourselves.

Sometimes we dance alone in our bedrooms and sometimes we wait in ridiculously long lines to barely dance in crowded nightclubs with our friends. Realizing this, I know I need to find a balance between not telling a lover everything and also not being ashamed of what turns me on.

Or I could give this essay to the next person I sleep with and see what happens.