“How Are You?” Should Die, an Argument by Stephanie Bohar

I find the answer options to the most-asked interrogative of all time — How are you? — rather limited. As far as I know, there are two viable response choices:

How are you?

A.) I’m good!

B.) I’m well!

A, allegedly, is grammatically awry. While I fancy myself a rule-breaker (At the time of this writing I am in a place of business not wearing shoes.) some laws must be respected to maintain civility and prevent heathens from destroying our relatively pleasant modern society. More gravely, “I’m good” is as atrociously boring as being on an cross-c0untry flight with no entertainment other than a game of tic-tac-toe. It is therefore ruled out. Answer B makes you sound douchey, especially if you’re the second person to answer, and the other has said A, because that is an irritating flaunting of grammatical superiority. It is also ruled out.

And as we are left with no satisfying method of response to the inquiry, the inquiry itself must be questioned.

I recommend the complete abandonment of the three word series “how-are-you?” and in its place, the establishment of a large, ever-growing repository of questions from which we may candidly pluck.

We are fish swimming in and around the shit swamp of life, so I propose the following ways to ask how it’s going that more adequately capture the woes and wonders of the human experience:

On a scale of 1–10, 10 being palms-dripping-with-sweat-panic-attack-in-the-shower and 1 being a Xanax and a glass of Chardonnay, how’s the gripping anxiety of being alive in a world in which you will one day die?

Is there potential for today to be the best day of your life?

What’s chafing your asshole today?

Is the gnawing feeling of absolute insignificance wearing you out or inspiring you to be better?

What traumatic childhood memory is surfacing today?

Why are you the way you are today?

What would make today count as a success?

How would your mom say you are right now?

How were you yesterday?

What color is your inner light glowing today, and why?

Are you content with the fashion decisions you’ve made today? Why or why not?

How were you last Wednesday?

Are you feeling optimistic, pessimistic or neutral about humanity, and why?

Out of the two of us at this moment, who is doing better?

What is UP with your aura?

How closely does your horoscope match the reality of this day?

Are you a muggle? Are we in the Matrix?

Where are you on the laundry timeline? Are you wearing stylish or comfortable underwear?

Is it looking good or bad for you to have sex this evening?

Are you high right now? Why or why not?

How’s the burning sense of self-loathing?

Based on today’s behavior, are you going to heaven or hell?