MY WIFE NOW WATCHES FOOTBALL

My wife now watches football. It used to be once per year: the yearly Super Bowl Sunday. Now it is every weekend. This is our new empty nest experience for us. Here is what I have learned thus far.

1. I overheard her conversation with the folks at Directv where she was able to secure the NFL ticket for free plus some other discounts. At one point the representative must have asked her if her husband enjoys the football games. She told the nice lady: “Absolutely not. He does not give a *&^%!”

2. My wife learned how to use the Harmony controller in less than two minutes as she manipulates the channels like a video gamer in the middle of battle. This is a Mother Teresa miracle.

3. Thus far, we have only incurred one injury to an antique that is my responsibility to repair. The wood glue that arrived from Amazon was easy to identify; the clamps not so much. I have no idea what to do with those things and I am concerned that they will be used to hurl at the television during a bad play or at my head at some point.

4. No team should even think of just running up the middle of the field, as in: “I don’t f’n get it. Why are they running directly into people? You’re idiots! [it gets much more colorful as the game and the day goes on]”

5. Now she is part of the twitter community.

6. No further plans needed on Sundays for the foreseeable future.

7. If you were a coach for one of the college teams, and you screwed them over, then your team will not be watched; or if you are playing one of the New York teams, you will be verbally abused. That’s right, we talking about you Pete Carroll.

8. There is a pecking order of who to watch: New York teams, Giants first, then teams with recognizable quarterbacks by name; then places that you would like to travel to (very random).

9. She can follow most of the play very well but gets really confused with the entire ‘safety’ scoring. “Why the f&^k are they kicking to the team that just scored?”

10. She does not sit and just watch football. Oh, no. I cannot even join her for an adult beverage because as an anxiety burner, she utilizes all of this equipment –barbells, elastic straps of two different colors, bouncing ball, a half-bouncy ball thing with a flat side — and does core strengthening exercises for six hours straight. Most of us would not even be able to do ten minutes of this cirque du soleil routine.

© 2016 Scott Matthew Bolhack MD MBA CWS CMD FACP FAAP