I HAD THE PILL BOTTLE IN MY HAND: MY THOUGHTS ON SUICIDE

With the recent suicide of Robin Williams there has been an immense amount of discussion about depression and suicide. Some of it constructive, some of it quite destructive. Before my own bout of depression over a year ago, I probably would have had a hard line attitude about this topic. I probably would have called Robin Williams a coward. But that all changed a year and a half ago.

An Unshakable Feeling

It is incredibly hard to describe the feeling of being depressed. I have been told for years that I was depressed, and that it was manifesting itself as anger. (I described some of this is a recent post.) But what I began to feel a year and a half ago was different. I would wake up every day at 4:00am depressed. But not just depressed. I couldn’t get my mind to stop an endless cycle of thoughts. Thoughts of despair. Thoughts of doom. Thoughts of bankruptcy. Thoughts of failure. Thoughts of loneliness. Thoughts of overwhelming sadness. It felt as if my very soul was being crushed by the weight of darkness.

All joy and happiness and peace were replaced by sadness, depression, and hurt. I hurt. I hurt badly. I have had some painful experiences in my life. I had bile leaking into my abdomen following a gall bladder removal surgery. I had a herniated disc in my low back that displaced a nerve root by 4mm.(That is an extreme amount of pressure on a nerve.) I fell and cracked at least one rib and didn’t miss any work. But this was different kind of hurt. A spiritual hurt. A hurt that affected how I saw my self and the entire world.

After enduring this for a period of time I decided that I couldn’t go on like this. One morning I walked to our medicine cabinet and took out a bottle of vicadon that I had left over from a back injury the year before. It was a large bottle and over half full still. I figured that if I downed the rest of the bottle my pain would be done. And my life. The hurt, the depression, the feelings of despair and worthlessness would be gone. I would be free.

But then I had a vision. I had a vision of my family at my funeral. I could see the hurt, the anger, the confusion on their faces. The most precious people in the world were feeling what I was feeling at that moment and it was because of me. And I knew I had to go on. I had to get help.

I put the bottle back up on the shelf. I told Tawnda all about what I had been going through. I sent a message to the people I trusted the most and respected spiritually. They lifted me up before the throne of heaven in prayer. I went to see a doctor and got a diagnosis of major depression. I went on an antidepressant that I was told could take weeks to become effective. I thought “How will I survive?”

But a funny thing happened. The next day I felt a little better. Everyday I have felt a little better, and the idea of taking my life is a foreign one to me today. Depression is a spiritual issue and a physical issue. You need to address both.

So if you are going through depression and feel like you are all alone, you aren’t.

If you are on the brink of ending your life, don’t.

If you feel like all hope is lost, it isn’t.

If you feel like you are all alone, you aren’t.

God knows what you are going through. He counts every tear, and says that if you turn to Him, one day He will wipe every tear away for all eternity.

You have a choice. You can choose life. God has somebody in this world to help you out of this fog of depression. Please have the courage to find that person. Plesae have the courage to ask for help. Please have the courage to know that there is no shame in what you are feeling. Please choose life. Choose life not death.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. Rev 21:4