Ask a Hot Mess: My boyfriend’s friend makes me uncomfortable
Note: Scarlet Meyer is a writer and comedian. Any opinions expressed here are her own, and she used to think Led Zeppelin was a hardcore rock band. If that doesn’t deter you, you can send your burning life advice questions to her at askahotmess2018@gmail.com, or anonymously on her Sarahah.
Happy Tuesday and welcome back to Ask a Hot Mess, the advice column written by someone who only sort of kind of has their life together! This week we’re talking about trust in dating. What does it mean to trust your partner? Especially if you were someone who was dropped during a trust fall as a kid? (Looking at you Dylan, I REMEMBER!) They write:
Dear Hot Mess, my boyfriend is friends with this girl who I know he’s not interested in but it makes me uncomfortable. She’s not just a friend that happens to be a girl. I’m pretty sure he used to have a crush on her. She’s definitely not one of those girls girls. She is always in a relationship, needs attention from men constantly, and is an overlapped (ya know the girl who starts her next relationship before ending her last…cheater!!) Can I ask him to end the friendship with her based on her morals and character alone? He’s never given me the slightest reason to doubt him or not trust him. What do I do?
Hey there! Navigating your significant other’s friendships is always tough. While it is important to make an effort to get to know your partner’s friends, there is no rule that says you have to like them. In fact, you can straight up hate some of your partner’s friends. It’s okay, I promise. The key is to not make a huge deal about it unless they’re literally dangerous. Sure, if your boyfriend has a friend that forces him to binge drink dangerous amounts of alcohol every night, by all means, tell him to stop hanging out with that person. But when it’s someone they’re tight with that simply just rubs you the wrong way? That’s where it gets tricky.
However there’s another layer to this. It sounds like not only do you not like this girl, she makes you kind of nervous. It doesn’t seem like your boyfriend is necessarily doing anything to make you mistrust him. But the fact that you think that he used to have a crush on her, doubled with her past of not respecting the boundaries of other people’s relationships makes you a little squeamish. Which I totally get, that would make even the most chill and even keeled significant other clutch their pearls.
But here’s the thing. You trust your boyfriend. He’s been friends with this girl for a while. Quite honestly if anything was going to happen between them it would have happened a while ago. It sounds like they’ve had plenty of time and have decided they’re better as friends. So forget what you’ve heard about her behavior or her past. This girl is his friend. If you tell him that he needs to stop being friends with any friend he’s had for a long time that is only going to drive a wedge between you and your boyfriend.
So what can you do? There’s a couple things. The first thing I’d recommend is try to become friends with this girl. See if she wants to hang out with you one-on-one, or if you’re at a party try to help her set up the drink table or go chat with her for a little bit. Because quite honestly the best way to banish fear and jealousy towards another person is to get to know them a little better. In my experience, any time I’ve been jealous of a girl in relation to a guy I was dating it usually turns out:
- She’s super cool and I’ve made a new friend!
and
2. She doesn’t want my boyfriend, at all. That’s why they’re friends.
Getting to know her and creating a friendship with her might put you at ease about the situation. But if you’ve already tried to, and simply can’t get along with her, there’s option B. Talk to your boyfriend and be honest. Explain that you understand that his friendship to her is important, but you don’t like being around her. He’s free to hang out with her one-on-one, but you don’t want to be forced to interact with her if you don’t have to. Then let it be. Be polite to her when you run into her socially at parties or group events, but you don’t have to interact more than that. Your boyfriend keeps his friendship, and you don’t have to hang out in close quarters with someone who drives you crazy. It’s a win-win!
Lastly, remember that you need to be able to trust your boyfriend no matter what. The truth is there are going to be people who come into your orbit who are bad news. Whatever is going on with other people shouldn’t matter. Ideally even if this person had the worst intentions, you should trust your boyfriend to do right by you and honor your relationship. Even when you’re not there. Because if you don’t actually trust him? That’s a whole different problem that has nothing to do with her. You and him are responsible for what goes on in your relationship, no one else.
Your hot mess,
Scarlet
Got a messy question? Send it to askahotmess2018@gmail.com or anonymous on Sarahah and it will be featured in this hot, new advice column!
