In the Eye of the Snap Decision
Or How Crazy Got her Mic Back
(Warning; the thoughts presented herein are kinda...well disjointed. So carry a compass and some patience, and enjoy the Journey; but don’t you dare say I didn’t warn you)
So yesterday I just snapped,
That off-my-rocker-so-bad-Shia-LeBeouf-wanna-be-me kind of Snapped.
Yes I know that's a tad dramatic. Yes I'm probably exaggerating more than a little, but hey, you know what they say, (who are this "They " and on whose authority do they make such sweeping pronouncements anyway?)
Crazy lies in the eyes of the beholder...
I have no idea what so much of School’s toll was doing on my person but, sure as a sunrise, there School was taking it all back;
It felt like for all the thoughts, love and attention I had (or had I?) decided to direct at the Future, she’d decided on paying me back in lunacy ( the Future seems to be mooning me)
My (it now turns out; expert) attempts at failing to have a constructive relationship with my future seemed well on course for success.
Expectations at home high, too high
Returns on ground Low, too Low
There was much wizardry afoot, I was the camel and the straws had fallen fast, hot and heavy on my back.....right down to the last one...
Much like in the biblical parable of the sower,
These varied (and I think mildly incoherent) events had succeeded in sowing many seeds in the land that lay fallow on the (small) expanse of my mind.
All over , second after second, day after day of the rat race, the seeds, every last one of them loony as a toon, rained down.
However, here my sorrows and the biblical canon went their separate ways.
Too many seeds of crazy had fallen on fertile ground.
Kampala was becoming claustrophobic,....a tight fit... so tight a fit that just the thought of it would make Nicki, daredevil of extreme-fit-fashion that she is, go all Pink Friday at the cheeks.
In the face of all this, I’m sure you can agree, I stood at the confluence of the 101 best ingredients for a perfectly Bad Idea.
Well damn, I got down on my knees and drank deep from Besmirched Waters (yes, that’s for you; Da Vinci’s Mystery)
Anyway so I snapped,
I walked out of an exam, through the campus gates and straight into the waiting (having been greased with 20bob) arms of a bus to Fort Portal.
I needed me some peace
I needed me some rest
I needed me some Jesus, and what better place to look for Jesus than on a spontaneously appointed journey to some place you can barely place on a map? 295km by land-bound mechanical bird no less, sprinkled in the paradoxically familiar yet alarming Eau de DMC that one can find without much hassle at many assorted run-ins with the Ugandan public transport sector, that my own little idea of heaven sometimes.
I love journeys..
Journeys of any kind really
The longer the better...
Destinations interest me sure, but like a high school crush or a stick of chewing gum, the flavour is gone just as soon as it arrived.
My love for journeys is real though...
Sometimes it feels like their love is my drug.
Like my heart beats for the unknown stories yet to come, hurtling backwards through time to our here and now
For me, I think the allure is in the fact that for several hours, you virtually have no control over what happens next ( if you’re in mass transit anyways)
So you’re forced to endure or enjoy
And if you’re going alone, well then, that’s the perfect opportunity to turn searching eyes within.... and that’s something so many of us neglect to do...
So obviously I snapped and went off to visit some friends....
Two of them in a district far, far away (ish)
Those were the friends I'd always said I'd go see, but never quite got around to it...
I didn't plan it (not much really)
Just decided to take back what's been taken for granted for so long ( Thanks Sarah Bareilles, I LOVE What's Inside: Songs from Waitress)
I didn't really go alone though
Hand in hand with another dear friend I sat down in that bus and looked inside
Looked inside from my front row seat as the Crazy in me got her groove back, and Her Mic (I'm not exactly sure why I've rendered Crazy as feminine... but anyways)
Listened as she gave the comback concert of her life.....
Listened hand in hand with my dear friend, the Journey.
I'm not sure why I did this.
Seems a little crazy and irresponsible
School's still going on and I'm halfway across the nation
No one really knows where I am right now
Plus I've gone all new age stupid and posted my folly on the world wide we, so probably pretty soon I'm going to have to answer to someone for all this shenanigans
But maybe that's the point
I think I did this because for one second, one chance in my life I wanted to take back my ability to choose...
My life isn't hard in the REAL sense,
I have food, school's paid for, there are shoes on my feet and stuff...
But it IS hard in its own way
Because it feels like so much has already been chosen for me, chosen and then subtly punted into the stream of my own decisions.
So much so till it seems like I'm living in a waking dream,
And it's not my own
It's so many someone else's
And it's been getting a little hard to see
A little hard to see where their dreams stop and I begin
A little hard to understand why I can't ask why and get a straight answer
There are no villains when the die is cast ('Tsup Sia! ....actually while we're here I'm starting to wonder if these actually count as proper citation of borrowed lines. HELP!)
But there are victims
And I'm growing weary of feeling like one of them;
Growing weary of trying to find the sense in making sense to this world...
I am thankful for these times, though
The times I'm on the verge of cracking irreparably
It seems shrouded in a million other disguises and masks...
But even then through the Noise
In the Crazy screaming her lungs out over the PA in my head..
In the times I presume to defy the tragic Gravity beneath the truth of my hopeless fitness regimen, running like my feet can't touch the ground..
I can still see my dear friend in every second
That steel God lays in my bones with every step I take..
Every step of faith he supplies the Grace so I can take
I can see my dear friend
My tireless teacher...
And we aren't there yet, not by a longshot.