A Season When You Miss That Someone.
A cold November morning. I’m waking up alone. The chill of the winter air permeates the room, and it feels still. Does this echo a stagnation in my love life? A stagnation in my personal growth? Last winter he was here and the winter before you were. The season where the warmth of another body is coveted. Where wrapping your arms around each other and swimming beneath the covers is not only beautiful but necessary. A season when you miss that someone the most. A chill that sobers you, a season of realization. Am I alone.
The holidays are always a time of reflection. With rapid pace and chaos they take over the last few months of the year. Before you can blink they have come and gone and beckoned another one to begin. To look at it rationally this should be a time to, well, just be. To enjoy the fruits of life, family, all the may things to be grateful for. Instead for so many (including myself sometimes) it opens a space of self judgement, a race between haves and have nots. While others flaunt the bounty of their lives its hard at times, not to turn inward and look at the lack in your own. What a selfish and pompous thing to say, when at least my personal lack is that of an emotional and material one than that of basic human needs, food, water, shelter. How selfish. While people starve, I feel contempt for not having found relationship, for not being where I thought I would a week before my 24th birthday and feeling the woes of my early 20’s.
I guess it gives you a little perspective to look around outside the bubble.
Still, I believe it to be true that your own personal struggle is the most difficult one YOU will ever have. And even though its important to get some perspective, stop and smell the roses, put yourself in check, It doesn’t make your climb any less valid. Its ok to recognize where you feel lack, where you see holes. And its ok to recognize these things without shame, because these are your issues, your feels. Talk about it, write about it but it’s ok to feel it. All too often, I don’t think we recognize the validity of our feelings, although sometimes flamboyant and outlandish, most of the time they come from a place of truth. A place in ourselves that needs to be nourished, talked about, expressed.
So this season, here are some tips of advice: When you feel spiteful about the large family gatherings you are or are not having, or downright brought to tears about the new years kiss you didn’t get, or sick to your stomach about your ex-getting engaged on Christmas eve, recognize those feelings. Recognize all the bullshit that is thrown at us. The false expectations that it creates for us to keep-up-with-joneses. But then take a deep breathe and let it go. And remember, there is always some magic left for us. Even when we can’t see it. Although this years company maybe poor, the turkey a little dry and the stuffing undercooked, theres always next year. And where there is lack, there is just time and space to fill with something brilliant.