the human condition.

passion is a weird thing. everyone seems to know about it, many people possess it, but tbh I’m seeing a disconcerting number of people living it.

That’s an awful thing to process as a twenty-four year old who just signed up for my first 401k yesterday.

I grew up in a nice town, city rather. It had the ocean, which taught me to love. My family was close and summertime was the best. But I didn’t identify with the people that surrounded me. Sure, I probably didn’t really know who I was at that age, but I could blend in with the other fish if I tried, swim in basically the same direction. I moved away after graduating, but found the same fish elsewhere. The ones that didn’t really feel me, but it was okay. I was finding my voice and felt confident about swimming in my own direction now. Then I moved to San Francisco and found the fucking rapids with a thousand kinds of fish all flying and flopping in more directions than I ever considered. San Francisco exposed the possibility of endless possibilities. I didn’t need to try each one, but it’s something special to sit down on public transportation and feel like you could connect with a majority of the other commuters, on some level.

Humans are pretty incredible when they tap into their potential. And my god is it intoxicating to witness a person diving heart-first, unabashedly, into the center of their passion. Think about the best concert you’ve ever seen. What do you think the artist was feeling in those moments? What were YOU feeling? Were you thinking about your taxes or about the annoying co-worker who’s back from vacation?

No. I’m going to answer that for you. You were not because your heart was busy Coming to Life and your heart doesn’t give a shit about what’s practical. Most of my favorite musicians are also some of my favorite humans- both the ones I know personally and those I’ve never met. Not because I play or because I am In The Biz, but I am deeply familiar with what it feels like to have a fire in your heart. And artists, the ones that feel forcefully pushed to create, get that. You have to. Technology has impacted the music industry in ways that doesn’t waste any time slashing hopes and dreams. A good bunch on the survivors aren’t just “tough.” Their coping the only way they know how, doing the only thing they know with any certainty, their passion. Music.

Fast forward to now. Remember that retirement plan? It’s a great investment, no question. But you know what it enforces? Fear. Passion’s biggest deflater. A full time job, benefited position, plain and simple money, is the best security blanket. When it is so necessary, and lacking it can suffocate the life straight out of a person, having it is the ultimate protection.

But you know what? Humans created money. As my dad recently said, “humans didn’t evolve to deal with money, so they’re not that good at it.” It isn’t one of our basic needs, it has just become the vehicle by which we can secure those needs. To secure basic survival must be the most stress-reducing thing you can do- which is probably why the fear of losing it may be thriving deep inside those who’ve earned a spot with the ultimate Salaried and Benefited Position.

What I’ve come to notice about some of those people that are uncomprehendingly content in their 9–5 is that they aren’t zombies or parts of The Machine- they’re just fearful. Perhaps they’re so numb with fear that they don’t realize it’s suffocating them- maybe it’s not.. but it sure looks that way. When you find a partner, reproduce, and a way to support yourselves- you’ve got to be out of your bloody mind to risk those very natural human successes for something as silly as the desire to create something special.

But have you ever read a quote about fear before?

“Fear is what happens when you leave your comfort zone.”

“Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live.”

Google it. See how many people connect conquering fear with that feeling of coming alive.

Remember when you were ten and you conquered a big water slide or talking to the waiter all by yourself? Remember how empowering that was? If that resonates with you, it may be time to check in with what your Grown Up fears may be and pass the thought of what it could feel like to conquer those.

I just signed up for my first desk job (or “got offered the job!”). It’s wonderful, actually. he work I’m doing is meaningful and surrounds ideas I believe in- and I’m good at it. But I’ve been deeply unsettled with the notion that with this job security, I’ll get a heaping spoonful of the fear that I’ll lose all the security that comes with this “real job.”

I have a long list of things I want to do in this world and I plan on being fully alive for them. I have circus classes to take, friends and family to meet and love, and art to create. I’ve got some big dreams and a backpack full of things I believe in that I don’t care to toss out. This job is a vehicle to those things, but only a vehicle. It is not my ultimate and I hope I’m brave enough to leave it to live in a van, if that’s what my heart’s feeling in a few years.

Yesterday at gymnastics I was attempting a skill that is annoyingly challenging, and I had a thought. In this particular skill, there’s a certain point in the air where your brain does not feel comfortable. A point where your body has to relinquish control and trust that physics will carry you and it’s okay to be vulnerable for a quarter second. In fact, that moment of vulnerability where you could fall is critical to the technique of the skill. If you don’t push that angle where your brain starts to panic, the skill simply won’t work. If you do, you may fall, but it’s sure as hell the only way to conquer it. In a way, you have to chase the fear. Go after that crux because there’s no way around it if you want to move beyond it.

Thus, my new retirement plan has me weary, but that’s okay. I have a stable job, a new house, and after-work activities I love. I’m working damn hard to ensure that those luxuries don’t create a fear of losing them. Because I care a whole awful lot about creating things that I need my passions wide awake for- I need to be alive and well. I think it’s a matter of keeping that consciousness.

*this is certainly not a claim that all people in a 9–5 are fearful, if you’ve skirted that trap- congrats, you are the lucky ones.