How to find random stock market signals that probably mean nothing but if they work out you can brag about them later

So many people are making beaucoup dólares these days. Crypto trading millennials are stacking paper to the ceiling, Vanguard is straight up BTFD’ing everything around like the boss ass tycoon that it is, and I’m writing in a style that’s ridiculously incomprehensible. I guess this is what peak bull market feels like.

Enter, E*Trade

The other day I was shown a commercial from E*Trade. As of this writing, they’re one of the biggest brokerages in America. For you avocado La Croix kids in the Bay Area, they’re like a Coinbase but for stocks. Or a Lyft route for buses. Anyways, the commercial they dropped goes like this:

Let’s just look at one screenshot in particular:

Mah gawd

This all had me thinking about E*Trade and the commercials they’ve run throughout their time as a major brokerage. Like the one with the baby saying “I JUST BOUGHT STOCK!” in early 2008 right before the crash:

But that’s not even the best one. Because during the DotCom Bubble, also right before the crash, they dropped this little monkey on the world:

Or if you missed it:

While I am not in the business of calling tops or predicting market crashes, I do think there’s some wild af sentiment emanating from commercials like this. When a mainstream brokerage is telling you “the dumbest kid in high school just bought a boat” and presumably because he uses E*Trade to get so rich, you have to take notice… Bro, I heard if you use E*Trade you can buy a boat!

I also am aware of how subjective and random these findings are. But don’t knock it until you’ve tried it and trust me if this market goes sideways or down from here you better believe I am going to brag every single day. I have nothing left to say.

Small footnote that I hope everyone reads: if the market goes right back to all-time highs let’s pretend this post never happened

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