How to Build Wealth in America on Minimum Wage, With $70,000 in Debt

It’s easy to get fat stacks if you deny yourself basic necessities and joy. Image via Wikimedia Commons/Jericho
  1. Move away from your family and friends. Isolate yourself. They are a distraction. Time is money, after all, and so the time spent with your loved ones is equivalent to them stealing from you.
  2. Have a parent who buys you a condo that you can then make money off of by renting it out to someone else as you live in a cardboard box under a bridge.
  3. Get a minimum-wage job right next to your box. This is easy to do, but if you’re too lazy to find a job within 100 feet of your living space, anything within 10 miles is fine.
  4. Don’t live in a city with reliable mass transit, because those cities tend to be more expensive. And don’t get a car — they’re expensive, too. You can save hundreds of dollars a month by asking friends for rides.
  5. Wait, you don’t know anyone in the place you moved to, nevermind.
  6. Anyway, don’t get a bike, either, those things can run you $1,000 or more if you want one that won’t destroy your body on your 20-mile daily commute.
  7. Run to your job and back every day. Not only do you save on transit costs, but you don’t have to join a gym! But don’t be a sucker and fork over $100 for some cool Nike running shoes. Get those $15 Airwalk sneaks at Payless — they’re BOGO, so both pairs should last you a good two months.
  8. If you are for some reason unable to run to your job every day, well, you just don’t deserve wealth, do you?
  9. Don’t eat at a restaurant, ever. Patronizing local businesses and contributing to the local economy is for suckers.
  10. Buy all your food in bulk. Make sure all of it can survive years in your freezer. Better yet, steal a bunch of MREs from a military base. Just say they fell off a truck and you found them on your run back from work.
  11. Actually no, just Dumpster dive. A good 40% of food in America is wasted anyway, you can find plenty of semi-edible food by scavenging. If you’re not willing to risk the possibility of a bout of food poisoning in order to save money on food costs, you’re not really interested in being wealthy.
  12. Live in a place where it’s below freezing most of the time, so you can just stash frozen foods on your roof.
  13. Don’t turn the heat on, ever. Frostbite is temporary. Wealth is forever.
  14. Go to the library for books. Unless your community’s libraries are failing because of an ever-shrinking tax base. Then just don’t read.
  15. Instead of reading, work. Work as many hours at your job as you can. Work late, work on weekends. You’re not missing out on time spent with friends or family, because you abandoned them long ago; their stricken faces no longer trouble your dreams.
  16. Do not join a union. They’ll just take some of your hard-earned money, and you can make more money by scabbing.
  17. Participate in the gig economy to underbid professionals and destabilize entire industries. But hey, you’re making an extra $100 a day.
  18. Make more than your minimum monthly required payment on student loans. Pay no attention to the horrifying laws that allow loan collectors to garnish even Social Security checks. If you can do it, why can’t everyone else?
  19. Sleep only five hours a day. Get hit by a car on your run to work one morning because your body is so fatigued it just lurches right into the road.
  20. Never stop doing any of this, ever, not for a moment, because any moment spent not attempting to accumulate more capital is a waste. The point of life is not to enjoy the simple miracle of living, but to amass a hoard that even the dragons of old would envy. Die upon this hoard, knowing that you alone have truly lived.