Why:

Because.
Because a man was abused and trapped and died before I was born
Because a lonely woman expressed her vanity through selflessness

Because I killed a boy when I was 14

Because of a fight and an anger in me that’s seen blood
Because I know how to use words that cut to the soul till it tears
Because I am a master of wrongdoing

Because of a hole in my brain

Because the whole of me is chaos
Because my heart’s a shiny golden dagger
It’s nice to look at, but…

I am a paladin of disruption

A violent criminal in sheep’s clothing, wearing it for warmth
(the wool is soft and comforting), hiding

I am a gladiator in the ring with misery and misery’s folly

I can show the world what it takes to fight for life, to win the war
But come close to me and I will destroy the parts of you that are weak
That make you who you are, that make you whole

Because I am jealous
Because I am selfish 
Because I am intelligent and funny and gleefully stupid

Because I hate as hard as I love 
And I hate little
And I love much

But come close to me and you will know both sides of the dagger
And the mind that knows precisely how to wield it

Because I hate to love and love to hate

The gold will enrich you, but it will not save you
No matter how attractive you find it

Because, in truth, I am a monster

And if you don’t run
I will make you
Because.

But,

Because I know this, I fight this
And so I struggle
And so I grow

I become stronger and wiser
So I may help those who struggle too, as much I can from the pit I dwell in

And with every hand I give there is a hand that reaches back
That pulls me up
And shatters the idea of oblivion

One shard at a time

Every soul I meet through chance and gorgeous luck

That I don’t distress, or hurt, or ridicule, or berate, or cut off, or break up with, or antagonize, or torment, or fall in love with or kill

Smiles back and helps me
Pulling me up out of myself
To become something more, something a bit better

And with that
And with you
I will hold my faith

Not in anything more

And I don’t dare move you close to me first
Unless I know you’re ready
That I’m ready

That there’s a way out from this

That I can be whatever the opposite of a monster is

That there’s hope that life can be renewed.

This is something that takes time
But that, my friend,

That is why

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