
Be Careful Who You Compare Yourself To- A Key Life Lesson from the SEAL Teams
When I was in middle school I got really, really into the sport of golf. I got my first set of clubs and started playing as often as I could on the course. I went to the driving range, I played in the backyard, even at home when my mom wasn’t watching. I watched golf on tv, got a subscription to Golf Digest magazine, and even started to design my own golf courses on draft paper. I was into it! When I played with my parents, I would beat both of them every time. When we got paired up with a stranger, I heard comments like, “Wow- he’s got such a smooth swing!”, and, “Dang- what a solid golfer!” I was head-over-heels in love with the sport, and couldn’t wait to play for the high school golf team.
In my mind, I was going to the PGA tour someday. One of the first things I did when I started high school was to find out when the tryouts were to make the team. I was surprised to hear that our school had multiple teams- not just a varsity and a junior varsity team but also a Frosh/Soph team and a Freshman team. Apparently, that’s a normal thing at private Catholic schools — a lot of other kids grow up playing golf at their parents’ country clubs. No matter- even if I didn’t play varsity the first year, I knew how good I was and didn’t mind spending a year earning my stripes.
Well, imagine my surprise on the first tee as I stood around watching with over sixty other Freshman who showed up for tryouts as I watched kid after kid tee off with beautifully crafted country club swings and hit fairway after fairway. Maybe the the JV team wasn’t such a bad idea after all? Well, the nerves got to me, and I didn’t bring a calculator with enough brainpower to calculate my score after those first nine holes. I didn’t make the varsity team. I didn’t make the junior varsity team. I didn’t make the Frosh/Soph team, and I didn’t even make the Freshman team. Dream…crushed.
That was the first time I learned: be careful who you compare yourself to.
I’ve had the privilege to work with dozens of transitioning Navy SEALs over the past few years, guiding them through our customized program for veterans. One of the foundational exercises we walk them through is a process to identify and clarify their unique strengths. We’ve learned that it’s important for them to reflect on what their military service has taught them about themselves and about what they’re naturally strong at. We’ve also noticed that for many of them they have significant barriers to discovering their strengths.
On one hand they’re coming from a clearly formed culture that values humility- putting others over self and err on the side of self deprecation. How ironic, right, that they’re the most elite military outfit in history and some of the most talented people on the planet? Many of the SEALs we’ve worked with initially grate against the idea of thinking and talking about themselves, feeling like it’s bragging and self centered. They’ve been taught to not grab the spotlight, and identifying their strengths often tugs at that core value.
Additionally, it can be challenging to separate the difference between an area of competence and skill between a natural talent and strength. A skill is something they’ve learned to do and be proficient at, where a talent is something that comes easily and feels more natural. The Special Forces community is filled with people who have dogged determination to become the best at whatever task is at hand, because that’s just what you do when you’re in the Teams.
Finally, I’ve heard many SEALs mention other people they’ve worked with as being way more talented than they are in particular areas. On a first take, they’ll talk about their ability to lead teams effectively or execute a training evolution, for example. Without pausing, though, they quickly point around the room or bring up names of officers they’ve served under or peers they’ve worked with who are way more effective team builders. They turn the spotlight to other people not just because of their communal humility, but also because they can easily think of other people they know well who are better than them at any given area. It’s interesting, though, because the people they point to are quite literally The. Best. And. Most. Elite. In. The. History. Of. The. Planet.
I miscalculated my talent in golf as a Freshman because I could beat my mom. I’ve watched Navy SEALs miscalculate their talents because they aren’t as good as Olympic swimmers, elite sharpshooters, and other freaks of nature. Identifying your talents and strengths is much more than comparing yourself to others that you know. It’s only one small part of information that’s useful.
What’s more helpful is to reflect on what others have remarked about you, about when you feel like time passes quickly, about the activities and areas of life that bring a sense of renewable energy to your spirit, and about what you would choose to do again and again even if you didn’t get paid for it.
- What comments have other people made about your talents and strengths?
- What activities do you engage in that feel like time passes quickly?
- What activities would you choose to engage in over and over? What does that say about you?

