Book 1 — September 16, 2010 2:13 PM

So I gotta continue writing about why I don’t enjoy living. This is mostly whining. (I don’t care and also don’t give a fuck either.) (I also realize I am horrible at punctuation, sorry.) The reason I hate life and living is this: It’s too hard. The environment I grew up in and was raised in was not necessarily conducive to a normal upbringing. I was largely isolated from society at large and attended a private school with the same people year after year. At said school, I was taken advantage of because, as I’ll put it, “socially retarded”. Honestly, I have no idea how to act in society, I really just mimic. Stupid me. Again, back at school, I was endlessly mocked and picked on forever, just forever. So dumb. Now, at the age of 29, I am being told sorry. [I had a former classmate find me on Facebook and add me just to tell me that.] Wow, a bit too late, but it’s OK. I cannot change the past. And for that, this is why I hate life because I can’t understand what people are all about and how to react to them. This is even more troubling in relationships both personal and intimate because in the back of my mind I am a bit frightened to let others in, although I am writing it all down. Because of this I also feel like a failure because I can’t control my feelings or environment. It’s hard. Plus my other endearing qualities like my anger just make it that much better. I have gotten over a lot of this social anxiety but some days it is just so overwhelming, I really want to just leave this planet (and mostly its people) behind. Now, I remember perfectly as a child holding my breath every night before going to bed over and over trying to leave until I fell asleep also praying every night that Jesus would take me to heaven. EVERY NIGHT. I’ve also, for the record, have committed suicide twice, but that’s for different reasons. Not too proud of that. But, honestly, I’d still just would love to leave society and just disappear forever. Find some place quiet where I can be alone in my own solitude. That is what I want. I hate my life and I never felt like it’s going anywhere, ever. I hope something is figured out soon. I just want fulfillment. OK. So today was OK. Lot’s of swearing and bad moods and bad attitudes brought up by a lack of sleep. I was awoken on about 4 hours of sleep at 3:15 AM by some fucking douchebag blasting Howard Stern that was so loud it sounded as if I was listening to it in my truck with headphones on. THAT LOUD! That ticked me off all damn day long. A permanent bad mood. Otherwise the day is be-au-ti-ful. Driving the 101 from San Jose to Santa Barbara is such a delight. Wonderful scenery, coastal views and amazing weather. Unbelievably nice. I need to win the lottery or fall into a large sum of money so I can move here. I just love it. I don’t want to leave. Anyway, all for now.

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