I’m Ethan Hawke, and I’m Your New Dad

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Hop in the car, kid.

I know, I’m not your Dad. You think I don’t know that?

Your old man is gonna be outta town ’til Sunday afternoon. He tried to heelflip a staircase over by the Trader Joe’s parking lot. Blew out both kneecaps.

He specifically requested me, Ethan Hawke, to keep an eye on you.

I gotta admire your Dad. He’s still got that youthful exuberance in him. Time can wear that down. It’s all about freedom with responsibility.

Your Dad will learn about that in rehab.

Your father tells me you’ve got an AP English exam coming up at the end of the month. You’re a smart kid, sure, but there’s no such thing as too much studying.

You know when you’re putting in real effort, and you know when you’re flubbin’ the dub. So, hit the books hard and take that burden off your mind, alright?

I’m workin’ on a master’s degree in business administration. Powerpoint, Excel, the whole deal.

I’m doin’ alright, but there were a lotta years of scrapin’ by that I could’ve avoided if I had put my education first. A man’s gotta have priorities.

You wanna drive my Charger? Not a chance.

You’ve only got a learner’s permit, and I’m not spending a night in the clink so you can do donuts at the In-N-Out Burger.

What’s that movie called? Tokyo Drift? Don’t think I haven’t seen it. I know what kids these days are up to.

You hit a car, God forbid a person, and my insurance will skyrocket, and it takes a man years of good driving to lower those payments.

You wanna make the payments for me? That’s what I thought.

It’s important to pay attention, especially as a taxpayer.

Look at our situation with Donald Trump. He’s wealthy, and that’s admirable, but there’s more to being a great leader than being a misanthropic loudmouth, alright?

I apologize for the lecture. It’s not all drudgery as an adult.

Me and your father’s friend, Bill, we’re in a Tesla cover band. You know, we’re called “Rotational Current.”

We’re playing the dive bar circuit right now, but it’s alright. I’m single, so it’s important for me to keep it interesting for the ladies.

Women like to be taken care of, but they want someone to excite ‘em.

What did you just say? Nothing is exciting?

What if I told you that there are massive cables buried in the ocean floor that transmit communications across continents? Fiber-optics, kiddo.

Open your eyes to the world of magic that surrounds you everyday.

What if I told you that there are these big cats — could you hand me that joint, please? thank you — that there are these big cats, that live in the jungle, and they could tear you and I to pieces, but they sleep 18 hours a day?

I’m talkin’ about tigers, champ.

Look, I’m just tellin’ you that if you want something, you gotta take it. Nothing is given in this world.

You doin’ alright with the ladies? Your father tells me you were dating a girl, uh, Charlene, was it?

She’s with a new guy now? Sorry to hear about that. What happened?

His Grandfather did what? He invented spam?!

Well, sorry bud, but women are always lookin’ to trade up, and it appears Miss Charlene saw the future heir of the Spam industry and went blind.

Look, you’re a special guy, and if some girl doesn’t think that’s exactly what you are, forget her.

Thin Lizzy has a song about that.

You ever listen to Thin Lizzy? No?

I’ve got a Thin Lizzy mix CD.

Reach into the glove compartment, please.

Your Dad will be so psyched that I’m introducing you to Thin Lizzy.