Mayor Obliterates Man’s Home For Lack of Adequate Lawn Care

Scott MacDonald
Aug 28, 2017 · 2 min read
Image Source: Lebanontimes.com

AUGUST 28TH, FROWNEYTOWN, CT — There was a problem when James Hawes returned to his home after a weeklong vacation at Turks and Caicos: his house had been razed to the ground.

“I was only gone for seven days. I know the Mayor mentioned the city’s blight problem, but I doubt I’m alone in thinking that this is over the top,” said Hawes, as he stood in the wreckage and cradled a busted framed photograph of his parents. The reflection of the sinking afternoon sun glinted in his watery eyes.

Hawes surveyed the desolate ruin that was once his home. “I was gonna mow it today. Figured I’d let it grow a little while I was away. Didn’t want the grass to burn out. I never expected this.”

Hawes gestured with a pint of Peppermint Schnapps to a crumpled refrigerator and dented hot-water heater. “That’s the only stuff I can really recognize among the debris. I’m also pretty sure they stole my homemade pinwheel collection. Nobody would trash those babies. They were priceless.”

Mayor Bill Brownstone won his re-election bid due to a campaign focused on eliminating eyesores throughout the city, including homes with unkempt lawns and poorly constructed retaining walls. But residents are alarmed that the Mayor is using his heavily funded blight removal program as a pretext to destroy homes at will.

“James has a yellow house, and Mr. Bill don’t like yellow,” said Loretta Bradley, a neighbor of Hawes and former fiancé of Mayor Brownstone. Bradley alleges that after Brownstone was rejected from art school, he began behaving oddly and would frequently peruse the speeches of Adolf Hitler during the early hours of the morning.

“He [Brownstone] would ramble about locating an ancient artifact called ‘The Crimson Hexagon’ to restore order to the chaos of modern living. We took separate paths in life after that,” said Bradley.

An anonymous neighbor said of the destruction: “We heard a loud boom — hell, shook our house. We look out, and these guys were cackling like hyenas as they clobbered the second story of the home with the arm of the excavator. Most of them were smoking cigars while they worked. They made a whole day of it.”

An independent investigation is underway to ascertain whether or not Nano-thermite was used in the razing process.

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twitter: @scott_mcmac / email: owleyes1987@gmail.com

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