Before London — Part II
Salvation
More often than not, we neglect the most important conversation of all–the one with ourself.
Instead, we make it easy for people to pound questions at us, to challenge our actions and core beliefs. We allow others to impose their self-serving expectations on us.
Have you asked yourself the important questions?
* * *
It’s the autumn of 2015. I’m playing a popular online game called League of Legends. It’s the best way to kill time, especially when I’m feeling bored after a day’s work.
Dinner is being served. I slide my laptop across the table to make room and quickly get back into gaming position. I’m not quitting until this game is over. It’s a tough battle taking longer than usual.
My parents start eating without saying anything, not that I can hear them through my headphones. I’ve conditioned them to shut up when I’m gaming for fear that I’ll explode into a big tantrum.
“Fuck mercy_killer!” I look up impatiently while waiting for my character to respawn. My parents are halfway through their meal and my plate is getting cold. I feel guilty but couldn’t give a damn. I must finish off my opponent.
Finally, I win the game. I proudly close my laptop and gaze around eagerly, allowing my eyes to adjust to reality. My parents look at me as though I’m a freak. They leave the dinner table quietly without speaking a word.
I’m left with my plate and the eeriness of silence. The excitement from my game dies down. My life isn’t so victorious after all. Head hanging, my heart sinks. I see my mother’s disgusted look on my plate. I haven’t felt so bad for my parents in a while. Could it be that I’m actually feeling bad for how pathetic my life is?
I shove food in my mouth while my brain talks me into being the most unworthy and utterly useless being on the planet. My head drops further, almost dipping my nose into the food. I feel like a complete failure.
That night, I’d reached my threshold of being a jerk, to the point where I couldn’t face myself anymore. Gaming has become my emotional crutch, only used to escape the fact that I was achieving nothing significant in life. I knew this wasn’t what I was meant for. This needs to stop now.
I reach for my laptop and uninstall League of Legends from the device. Don’t you dare play that stupid game again!
My solemn remorse continues in the following days. I’m not proud of my behaviour but what choice do I have? I work hard at my job. I’ve been giving it my best for a whole year but satisfaction just keeps getting lower. Give me my university life back — the exams, assignments or whatever. I cringe. My eyes fill up. Dear God, what should I do with my life?
It was at these times of extreme pain that I started asking myself the important questions.
“For things to change, you have to change.” — Jim Rohn
At age 24, I realized that life wasn’t as simple as playing an online game. There were no level-up charts or evolution paths to follow. Winning wasn’t just about hammering your opponent. I needed to work on myself.
In the following years, I became obsessed with personal development. Some of my first mentoring came through Youtube videos by Jim Rohn and Tony Robbins. Step by step, I made changes to my life.
“Stand guard at the door of your mind.”–Jim Rohn
I began by removing all my bad habits. I unsubscribed from toxic Youtube channels. I said no to gatherings that I knew I wouldn’t enjoy. I stopped seeing toxic friends. I disabled their newsfeeds on Facebook.
With all those bad habits gone, I had plenty of free time to read books, loads of them. I ordered more than 50 books that year. Even if I couldn’t finish them all, I’d be surrounded by good ideas.
I became a student of life. I combined everything I learnt into my personal philosophy and recorded it on Evernote. It included this life-changing quote:
“Work harder on yourself than you do on your job.”–Jim Rohn
I was no longer putting all my energy into my job. Instead, I focused on my personal interests and looked for opportunities to turn them into a career. One and a half years later, I was on the verge of a career change. For the first time in my life, I knew what kind of job I wanted.
“Raise your standards.”–Tony Robbins
By then, my worldview had be turned upside down. Self-improvement had become my religion. Successful books and speakers were my new role models. If I am to learn, why not learn from the best? I no longer sought approval from my peers. I no longer looked to my family for guidance.
From now on, everything I do will be strategically aligned to my goals for becoming a better version of myself, including my trip to Europe. The trip will help me answer these three important questions (inspired by this video).
- Who am I?
- What matters to me?
- What am I good at?
25–29 May, Bari, Rome
I got a ticket for the ferry’s deck seats (cheapest option), which means no cabin, no bed and no inclined seat. My theory is this: once I’ve tried the worst, everything forward is better and I’ll know just how much to appreciate it.
There are sofas on the deck but dividers prevent me from laying flat. I bustle around trying to find a good spot to sleep.
Finally, I sit down on a booth chair and rest my feet on the chair across, with my knees dangling. It’s uncomfortable but I’ll make-do. Halfway into the night, I roll onto the floor.
Sleep Scott, sleeeeep…
The captain announces our arrival the next morning. I take off my mask and open my eyes. I’ve made it. I’m in Italy!
My eyes contract as I walk off the ferry. I feel like crap. I’m hungry, tired and look like a tramp. I need to freshen up.
While looking for the bus station to go from Bari to Rome, I pass by a barber shop. Exactly three weeks since my last visit, so I walk in for a haircut. I’ve got three hours before the bus arrives.
The hairdresser gives me an excellent haircut. I’m impressed and leave him a big tip. He says chao and gives me the wink ;)
It’s 29 degrees in Rome. I’m carrying my backpack to my hostel, getting baked. The hostel isn’t ideal. There’s no common room to meet people and the lockers are outside the bedroom door.
I try to use the locker but it won’t work with my lock. After ten minutes of fiddling with it, I give up. Stupid design.
The next day, I make some gruelling walks through the city.


I get lonely. Why am I trying to go to every attraction in Rome? Am I trying to capture the best pictures? Am I just trying to get through the day without being bored?
* * *
I hear a lot of noise outside my room. I open my room and see a girl struggling with the lockers.
I ask her what’s her plans. She says the Pope might come out on Sunday. I get her room number and say I’ll find her the next morning.
See the pope on a Sunday. (video)
St. Peter’s Basilica is remarkable.
There’s a parade on the street. I feel like exclaiming out loud. But to whom?

I’ve visited all these incredible monuments but there seems to be something missing. I feel empty.
I meet a couple from Argentina. I tell them how I meet this Brazilian girl but didn’t see her again.
See Amanda at the locker that night.
I’m delighted, the four of us go for pizza. Afterwards, we go to the Yellow Bar.
It’s meeting people that creates the best experiences.
29 May–1 June, Certaldo & Siena
The hostel I’m going to is in a remote location, 30 minutes walk from the nearest station. There aren’t many buses going there either. For the first time, I book a carpool through Blablacar.
We have a good conversation. He’s a former military.
I’m shown around the hostel by the manager, Kyle. We walk in his office and he hands me a hand-drawn map of the area. It’s disorientating just looking at it. Poor design. After he babbles out all the “tips”, I force a smile.
Frozen ice cream. Best idea in the world.
The Australian manager, Kyle, was very friendly and cheerful but we always had very superficial conversations. It was never truly satisfying.
I meet a lot of the people in groups. It was hard for me to mix in.
Wine tasting
Love the creativity of the activity board.
Cooking class
The next day, I visit a pretty medieval city— Siena.




Back at the hostel, I see a group of people outside the building chatting. Kyle sees me shouts out my name. We’re going for dinner. Are you coming? Hesitantly, I look at my bag and dirty clothes. You’ve got five minutes before we leave. I march upstairs and get changed.
Kyle drives the whole group up the hill to a restaurant in a small town. The sunset from the hill is mesmerizing.

At the dinner table, we engage in a lot of trivial conversation. This is boring. I’d rather lie down on the grass outside to watch the sunset.
We need to engage in deeper conversations to bond.
The next morning, Kyle offers to drive me to the train station. He’s a really nice guy, but somehow I never felt connected.
1–2 June, Pisa & Florence
I travel to Florence via Pisa. Wow — the famous Leaning Tower of Pisa.
Umm…wait till you see it.


Hundreds are people are fighting for space to pose “creatively” in front of the blazing tower–as if there’s nothing better to do around here (they’re probably right).
I found it more interesting observing the posers than the actual tower. At least they’re not just standing there. By the way, we get it–you’ve been here.


It’s a public holiday on Friday, so all the affordable hostels in Florence are booked out during the weekend. I only stay for Thursday night.
Having to catch the bus in the afternoon, I engage in a half-day, all-you-can-see tour. Running around the museums with a strict time limit makes me feel like a pro. Snap and go–next please!




I’ll be back to see you, Statue of David. Chao ;)
2–8 June, Milan
I spend most of my days here organizing my photos and figuring out the best way to dry my clothes.
There’s a ton of photos to go through. I take my time to pick out the best ones and forgo the rest. Like everything in life, we should continue training aesthetic senses and filtering out bad things.


On the last day, I visit the cathedral. It’s big. And you can go on the roof. After seeing the churches in Rome, this one doesn’t stand out. Train your aesthetic senses.






After leaving the cathedral, I walk around the streets of Milan. It’s supposed to be the city of fashion, right? Maybe I’ll buy some new shirts.
Oddly, I find myself fascinated by a furniture shop. There’s a well-dressed bloke appreciating the displays, one by one.
I spent time appreciating the displays one by one. I look at how the items are sized, coloured and arranged. The goal here is to bring out the merchandise while keeping the composition balanced.








I love beautiful things. I think they makes you feel happy and ultimately make the world a better place to live in.
Surround yourself with beautiful things which make you feel happy.
Here’s a thought: from this day forward, why not put on your best act? Dress better, do your hair, smile more and create beautiful art. Help make this world a better place.
8–11 June, Venice
I’m at the city of water. Here, taxis are boats.
Long bus ride into city.
I’ve been told that the way to explore this city is to get lost, so I wonder around intruding people’s neighbourhoods.

I take the bus back and enjoy the view from the window.

I grab some food from the fridge and sit down at the dinner table. There’s a guy and two young girls talking. I glance at the girl next to me. Jesus Christ. Somewhere into the conversation, we introduce ourselves.
Great, I have some white wine in the bridge, we can have a good conversation tonight. Then out of nowhere, the girls suggest going out partying. I’m thinking to myself “partying in Venice, at night?”
I glance at the two girls. Sure, why not? They girls perform their one-hour makeup ritual and we wait for them to go out. Certainly, going out in Venice can’t be that bad.
We take the bus into the city. I ask them if there’s transportation at night. Laurie says there’s a night bus. Alright.

I use my navigation skills to lead them to the bar. It’s busy outside. People are scattered around the street drinking. We talk with some very polite college students. One of them starts rolling joint and offering them to Jake.
Jake finish the bottle of white wine and orders another bottle.
The kid yells at Jake in Italian at the top of his voice. He ignores him and stumbles away, turning the wrong way back. Where’s he going? He went the wrong way! We can’t stop laughing.

Benedict, Laurie, the Italian guy and I keep walking. We’re dying to find a club. took us to this strange bar with pool tables, punch bag and dark music…One the way we lost Jake, guy who sold us weed yelled at him really loudly, then Jake ran the wrong way back….
We almost followed some other guys when the the girls sense danger and run back to the Italian guy. I can hardly keep up with them. I followed and we went to another bar at where we danced to a song. Then it was time to leave.
Who knows what would have happened to us had we followed those punks?
When guys get drunk, we become dumb and fearless. Translate: jerks
We walked back to the bus station to wait for the N2 bus, I was so tired….we got on the N1 bus instead, “Mestre, Mestre”…ended up walking half an hour back to the hostel….couldn’t past the train station, walk through this tunnel that lasted forever…
Got back home at 3am


Next morning Jake told us that he spent the morning looking for his phone which he left in the cab

What happened in Venice was like a scene from a horror movie. And now that Benedicte, Laurie and Jake are gone, it raises the old question: if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
Did what I experience really happen? How do I confirm it part from looking at the photos? No wounds. No scars. Maybe that’s why we sense the need to keep it touch with old friends, just so we can keep those memories alive.
Or, for fear of going back to our old self (in pursuit of a new life), we choose to bury them.
11–14 June, Nice, Monaco, Eze
On the first night, I join some travellers at the hostel on the beach for pizza and drinks. The moon is red and hangs low.

The next day I take the bus to Monaco. Two giant blonde girls sit next to me and start speaking a Swedish-accent. For the whole one-hour bus ride, all they talk about is relationships.
I’m intrigued and eavesdrop casually. Judging from their appearance, their level of English and the fact that they’re studying in Paris, the two are quite well off. They’ve got the basic stuff taken care of.
The girls discuss how their first girlfriends had a big impact on them and how one of them got back together but finally broke up again. How your partner can one day be so warm to you and the other day so heartless.
Relationships are perhaps the most important thing in life. It’s the only thing we’ve got when we’re stripped of the pleasure of possessions and excitement. We should spend more time engineering our relationships.
* * *
Plenty of flashy cars pass by the grandest hotel in Monacao. A bell boy steps in a Bentley, drives it out the parking space and hands the key over to a young lady. I watch as she drives away in style.
That’s the good life. How fancy. What a life to live, earning yourself to that kind of success.

Try out the casino. Tiger machine was boring. I go back observing people play Blackjack. The manger is constantly looking at the machine and sneering. Occasionally he asks a customer how he’s doing.
One by one, I watch on as most of the players leave the table without anymore chips. Gambling is a losing game unless you know what you’re doing.

The following day I do a day trip to Eze, a medieval town.

On the way up the castle hill, I come across a small path that leads me to a cemetery. I see this plaque saying “REGRETS”. It has a powerful effect on me.
Every time we fight our intuition, say no to our desires and compromise for others, we place one of these plaques on our grave. I don’t want any of these plaques on mine.
I want to die without big regrets.

I hike down the mountain hoping to get to the beach. I enjoy thinking about life as I’m walking down more than doing it for the view.

Tired, sweaty and fulfilled, I take off my shirt, throw away my shoes, roll up my shorts, and lay down in absolute delight.

14–18 June, Bordeaux, Arcachon, Saint-Emillion
By now, I haven’t been doing sports for over one and a half months. I miss playing football and tennis. Dominating the game. It’s absolutely liberating.
I wish I could fly in the air like them.

Rarely do I ask someone to take a photo of me, simply because I don’t care for posing in front of things just to remind other people I was there. But this tractor caught my attention.
“My perception of a family reunion was transformed over the course of a meal.”
I stayed with my friend’s family in Bordeaux. They were incredibly hospitable and open minded people.
Gisele took me around town shopping at the butchers and wine shop. We visited Saint Gervais, the village where she grew up. Her grandmother made immaculate sewed art and her two brothers each ran a winery. Their dedication of mastering a craft and living a lifetime in the same neighbourhood amazed me. Times have changed.
On days when I’d return late from a long trip, Gisele and Pascal would ask about my day, wait for me to shower and then we’d have appetizer and dinner, 10pm at night. Even though impossible for me to explain every detail in English, I felt that they understood the adventure I’d been through.
I excitedly ask Giselle to take a picture of me and tractor. It’s just so iconic and for a city kid like me it’s cool.

I go to Arcachon to see the big sand dunes. There are people doing gliding all over the dune. I see them gliding so freely. I wish I could fly in the air like them.

I run down the dune as fast as I can.
* * *
The next day I travel to Saint-Emillion with a bike I borrowed from Adrien’s family.
The town is beautiful.
Very educational wine tour. You learn a lot more when you’re actually there. I buy Adrian’s family a bottle of wine.
Isn’t this a fantastic learning experience?

I cycle back to the train station to find out the next train is two hours away. I decided to bike to Libourne and catch a train there, 8 km. The train stops at Bordeaux Station and I have to bike back to the house, 11km.
Made me get creative.
Giving up is easy. I’m won’t.

I’m looking forward to going to Barcelona, partly because of the famous church by Gaudi that is going to take a century to build. From Brodeaux to Barcelona I’ll be taking the night bus, so I’ll be tired on the first day.
I wisely book ahead for my second day in Barcelona–on 19 June at 9:30am. Earlier means less crowded. The ticket includes a visit to the museum. Great.
On Sunday, I was part of a big family lunch. It began with poolside cocktails and snacks. We moved to the patio for barbecued steak and dessert. No wines were spared — white, rose, sparkling and red. In the evening, stuff bellies inside the pool absorbed more zesty cocktails.
After five hours of feasting, I had to leave for Barcelona. We said our goodbyes and I thanked them for the wonderful stay. It was the perfect ending.
In the same pool, we had people of all ages. There were no conventions, boundaries or expectations — just laughter and unconditional affection. We didn’t “behave”. Heck, Pascal took his pants off in front of everyone! Sometimes that’s the best way to know each other.
We live in a time when intergenerational relationships are weak because we rely so much on technology.
Could this be the ideal family relations I quietly longed for, or was it mere novelty for an unsuspecting guest?

Maintaining a healthy family relationship is all about creating quality occasions like this one. It requires planning and organization.
Rush to the bus station.
Continue reading: Before London–Part III
Thank You
Did you learn anything new from this story? Has it inspired you in any way?
If you enjoyed this story, please let me know by leaving a comment or dropping me a message on LinkedIn :)
To see the work I do, visit my website at scottmilburn.design
Why share my story
Six years ago when I was doing my exchange in New Delhi, India, I was too lazy to update my blog. Every day that past meant it was harder to recall and share my feelings. I don’t want to make that mistake again.
Backpacking again in my favourite continent is exhilarating. But I also see travel as an opportunity to gain perspectives, reflect on life and get to know yourself. As such, I want to make the most of my journey by documenting in detail and sharing my thoughts and feelings.
Some of my best experiences have been away from home. Whether they be happy or heartbreaking, I’ve always looked back with a smile. In writing about my journey, I hope to not just display what I’ve accomplished but take you through the lessons I’ve learnt. We share more similarities and struggles than you think.
“It’s not where you’ve been, but who you’ve become”. I wish you the best.
