33 Text Messages You Should Not Send as a First-Date Follow-Up
If you would like to score a second date, of course.
1. Thanks so much for the kisses! Your lips are like chicken noodle soup for the lonely male’s soul.
2. I’m too excited to sleep tonight so instead I’m going to write you a poem about DAT ASS.
3. I’m making you a mix tape. What’s your favorite boy band? Mine is O-Town and if they’re not in your Top 5 we may as well just call it quits now!
4. Wish you were here to help me fold my laundry and then make me a Panini.
5. I know I’m supposed to wait a certain amount of time to text you or whatever but I’m doing it now anyway, five minutes after you got into the cab. It’s not because I love you. But I’m also not saying that I don’t love you. Teehee.
6. Since you came into my life, I miss you so bad. I miss you so bad. I miss you so so bad. So call me, maybe?
7. I’LL STOP THE WORLD AND MELT WITH YOUUUUUU.
8. I bought all those drinks tonight and now I can’t afford my rent for the month. Totally worth it, though. And we should probably just move in together.
9. Are you on MySpace? If you are, I can’t find you. My handle is BossHawg69. My profile picture isn’t actually me, it’s Bubba Sparxxx, in case you’re looking for me too and are confused.
10. I’ve had sex with 12 people but none of them made me feel the way you did with just one little hug. How many people have you slept with? Were any of them women?
11. You aren’t a virgin, are you? Because I have this rule: I’m nobody’s first and nobody’s last.
12. As soon as I got home I called my mom about our date and she says she feels like she knows you already. I can’t wait to meet your family!
13. You make me feel like anything is possible. Even the Gallon Milk Chug Challenge.
14. I don’t usually do this, but here’s a dick pic. [Followed by a picture of Richard Nixon.]
15. Can we 69 on our second date?
16. I wish we were snuggling right now :/ :/ :/ :/
17. I have never felt a connection like this before.
18. Remember how I told you I’m a blogger? Want to see some of the stuff I’ve written in the past about women who have left me?
19. I just listened to Tal Bachmann’s classic ballad “She’s So High” 18 times (one for each year of your life, if what you told me about your age is true) and I think it has potential to be our song. I’m talking, like, first dance at our wedding.
20. Hey what was your name again? I should probably change your contact info to something other than “OkCupid Girl #21.5.”
21. I’m lying here in bed with my fiancée wishing she were you instead. Why do such bad things always happen to me?!
22. We should probably run away together.
23. I bet we would have really cute babies.
24. You may have noticed that when we kissed goodnight I was using only one arm to embrace you. This is because I was high-fiving angels with the other.
25. My kids are going to love you!
26. How many more dates am I going to need to go on with you to get to Pound Town? And can we knock all those out, like, immediately? YOLO amirite?
27. We should go out and do karaoke sometime soon. I’ll sing “Wonderful Tonight” for you. My ex loves that song. God, I miss her so much sometimes…
28. What’re you up to? I’m just watching the Britney Spears film vehicle “Crossroads” and thinking about how much I want to be a pop star.
29. I couldn’t find a boom box so you probably can’t hear me. Look out your window – I’m playing Peter Gabriel on my iPhone!
30. You can come over if you want. I’ll even make my Teddy move over so there’s room ;).
31. Hey it’s Scott, texting for his SoulMate to see if she wants to go on a second date. Yes? No? Maybe? Check one and return, please.
32. So that was fun. How about a tit pic? I couldn’t tell if them thangs were real while you had a stupid shirt on.
33. I love you.