My Cat is Secretly a Kaiju
I know it sounds crazy, but my cat, Ben, is secretly a kaiju. As proof of this claim, I rest my case on the evidence as follows.
EXHIBIT A – If you look at the BluRay box art for Shin Godzilla and then at Ben, while he’s perched on his five-foot tall cat tree, you’ll notice similarities between his silhouette and Godzilla’s. They both have a thick neckline holding up a downward-angled skull, and both of their mouths rest slightly agape, with sharp teeth visible.
EXHIBIT B – Ben is impervious to environmental damage. When he bolts around the apartment, his aim isn’t the best, and he frequently finds himself toppling over chair legs, falling from headboards and shelves, and sometimes even plowing into closed doors. Ben has yet to suffer a single broken bone or any noticeable injury.
EXHIBIT C – He can be lured into any room with the sound of birds. I have yet to test out Professor Hayashida’s homing device for definitive proof, but I am convinced it will work.
EXHIBIT D – Two Decembers ago, my wife and I set up a Christmas village. No matter how many double-sided tape booby traps we set, Ben wouldn’t leave the village alone. At least twice a day, he’d parade up and down the streets, squashing civilians, overturning cars, and uprooting trees.
EXHIBIT E – Ben has an unruly tail, and it has been known to knock over anything and everything in its path. This may, regrettably, include downtown metropolitan hospitals.
EXHIBIT F – The last malicious insect that entered my apartment was mauled and then eaten. Alive. This is true of every insect that has dared to trespass, save for one fortunate moth that managed to escape, albeit severely battle-damaged.
EXHIBIT G – I once made the mistake of leaving Gigan and Megalon plushies out on the kitchen table. Both of them were later found on the floor in completely different rooms, and one of Gigan’s hook hands suffered minor scratches.
At this present time, I am preparing for the final piece of evidence, the “smoking gun,” to manifest. I have reason to believe that it will appear in the unexplained arrival of a son who has the ability to befriend children tormented by school-aged bullies and clumsy bank robbers. This list will be revised as necessary.