“So what exactly is wrong with you?”
— Title quote courtesy of some asshole

So today is day 1, the baseline ultrasound. The purpose of this test is to answer the question: “On a scale of 1–10, just exactly how fucked up are you? Let’s take a picture so we remember later, ok?”
Which brings me to the title of this post: “What exactly is wrong with you?”
This was a question asked of me at a recent family event. The number of and hilarity in the inappropriate comments continues to mount; I promise you, I will cover these in a later post.
To get that out of the way, absolutely NOTHING is wrong with me. I’m 37, I have a great life. I’ve lived all over the world. I have had a successful career, I own a business that is doing very well, I have great friends,family and a great support system. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me.
I am greater than the sum of my fallopian tubes. Fertility does not define a person.
If you’re genuinely concerned about your own fertility and how you might be affected by the absence thereof, I will share that I have been diagnosed with a few things:
- A blocked fallopian tube: This contributes to the situation, but no one can say to what extent. If I were younger and my eggs were healthier, I might be able to get away with this.
- Low Ovarian Reserve: There is a very simple test that diagnoses this. It’s too bad most women don’t get access to it until it’s too late (see below)
- Advanced Maternal Age: Ah, my favorite. By medical textbook standards, I am over 35 and therefore ready to be cast upon a funeral pyre and pushed to sea.
- Unexplained Infertility.: i.e. We have no clue. Things should work but we don’t know ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
To add insult to injury, this pregnancy — should it happen — will be referred to by medical professionals as a GERIATRIC PREGNANCY. You read that right. I’m just a minute away of using my baby stroller as a walker.
How did I learn these things? A multitude of previous tests have uncovered all of the above. This is month 12 of an insurance-funded medical journey and month 24 of an undocumented one. Here’s a snapshot of how an infertility diagnosis comes to be:
If you are under 35 and haven’t conceived after 12 months of trying, you are considered medically infertile
If you are over 35, that timeframe decreases to 6 months.
The messed up part? Insurance does not cover a LICK of fertility testing until one of those diagnoses have been met. In other words, if you are proactively trying to diagnose your own fertility, you are SOL on having insurance pay for it until one of the above conditions are met.
Think about that:
You can buy a pregnancy test in a drugstore for under $10
You can buy condoms for even less. In some cities (like NYC), you can get them for FREE
A freaking Zpack for a sinus infection is covered by nearly all insurances.
But free fertility testing? Nada. Zip. Zilch. Not unless you can tell a doctor that you’ve been “trying” (hate that phrase) for at least a year. As if its any of their business.
I recently saw a Kickstarter for 2 former Uber/23 & Me employees who are starting their own at-home fertility testing kit, a la 23 & Me or Ancestry. WHY HAS THIS TAKEN SO LONG?
In my opinion, this type of test should be standard and FREE, just like a pap smear, a strep test or other preventative medicine. Why keep this a mystery?
Of course, all of this is a precursor to say that not a DIME of IVF is covered by insurance. Hold on to your hats for that gem of a post #bitter #sorrynotsorry
If men gave birth, this and tampons would have been covered by insurance years ago. Just sayin’.
