Dealing with depression like symptoms

I highly doubt I would be classified as clinically depressed, but decided to research on WebMd and found out that clinical depression is defined as having depressive symptoms that are present every day for at least 2 weeks. I know I’m not at that point, but I have had this empty feeling on and off during December. When I was in college I visited a therapist at school for a couple of sessions but stopped going when I finally opened up. It was the first time I felt that vulnerable. I have told people about my cutting days, but in therapy it was the first time I opened up about the reason why. I won’t be divulging that information in this post.

These past two weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions, but it’s been like the part of the roller coaster where it’s going down and barely coming up before going back down again. The holidays may be a reason for this feeling. It’s a shame on Christmas Day when I received my gift and I tried to show some sort of happiness when inside I couldn’t muster a slither of glee. Similar to that feeling of being close to a Dementor, where every positive emotion in my body has been sucked out of me.

I’ve been single for a pretty long time, let’s say I was supposed to start going out with someone, I wouldn’t know where it will lead to because I’ve never been a long term thinker. Can it go somewhere? If it does, how do I bring this up? I more than likely should and then if I do, what would be her reaction? I grew up depending on my parents to take care of me financially but never emotionally — I have never opened up to them about the despondent feelings I had, especially during their divorce. Parents want the best for you and I figured as long as I can show them some sort of happiness that should be okay, but can I do the same to a girlfriend? I highly doubt it, it wouldn’t be fair. I grew up with the expectation of a man being the strong-willed one and there will be moments I can’t be, but I can live with that because I’ve been doing so for the past couple of years.

I told a friend that I cut myself and contemplated suicide when I was 18. At that age, it was a cry for help because I bottled up many of these emotions throughout my teenage years. At the same time, I wasn’t sure what kind of help I wanted because it was the first time I ever felt that low. That was my solution to that feeling. I haven’t had the need to do it but it’s a reminder that the easiest way to deal with emotional pain is to inflict physical pain. That friend found out about that recently, and his reaction was fascinating because he wanted me to know that he was there to make me feel better.

The reason I don’t talk about this is mostly because I don’t understand why I have these moments of despair. I could explain this to someone who has been through the same mindset because they’ll understand all I need is company and if I’m ready to talk about I will. There’s no need to force an answer because knowing me that won’t happen. Keeping a façade has been easy because there’s a built up cynicism of life underneath the smile. Whenever I am not happy it is easiest to use humor as a defense mechanism. I have spurts of moments when I just feel nothing, just this darkness where I can go through the day doing my usual daily activities and not feel an ounce of emotion.

I haven’t let many people in to my personal life because talking about it isn’t easy for me and then wondering how people will react it is a constant struggle. Will they judge you? Expect they can help you? It can also be selfish because I’m looking at everyone in a negative way and not giving them a chance. Ending my life would have been the easy way out of dealing with the problems I had. During these times, it’s best to push people away because I don’t want them to feel as hopeless as I do. It’s easier to write all of this down than to speak about them out loud. I also have to see their facial expression while I tell them this. I’ve seen that concerned look on my friend’s face when I told him and I felt awful mostly because he was hoping he could be the solution but at the end of the day I should be the solution. A smile won’t fix the black hole of emotions slowly building inside of me, but here’s hoping that writing about it is some sort of start.

Days have turned in to a week and here’s hoping it doesn’t turn in to a month. I doubt anyone I know can fix it but best bet for them is to treat me as if I was happy because I don’t need the pity. Treat it as any day especially since the New Year is approaching.

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