I’m Grandma, and I’m the New Director of the CDC
Get ready, kids, because I’m shaking things up.
Following unexpected personnel changes at the CDC, I’m pleased to announce that I, Grandma, have taken control as interim director. Am I qualified to run the CDC? Hell, I’m 95-years-old and healthy as a horse. Of course, I’m qualified! And guess what? I’m making some changes.
Effective immediately, the following are considered the nation’s most pressing health issues:
- Walking around barefoot.
- Not zipping your jacket.
- Wearing shorts in the winter. What is wrong with you kids today, anyway?
- Going out of the house with wet hair. It’s how you catch your death of pneumonia.
- Using that Purell stuff all the time. Germs make you stronger, snowflakes!
- All this gluten-free crap. No one had food allergies when I was growing up. I don’t know why everyone thinks they have them now.
- Not doing chores. All you do is look at those little blue screens all day. Put down the phone and go sweep the floor!
- Slouching. You look like a bunch of Neanderthals.
- Standing up while eating. You think that kitchen table is just for decoration? How are you going to digest your food if you don’t sit down?
And with cold and flu season in full swing, I’m issuing new treatment guidelines for the entire country:
- Feed a cold.
- Starve a fever.
- If you have both a cold and a fever, toss a coin.
- Chicken soup as needed. None of that organic shit. Only Campbell’s.
- Orange juice (Tropicana frozen from a can) every 8 hours.
- Whiskey with honey and lemon. Great-grandpa drank that every day, and he survived the 1918 flu pandemic.
- Garlic hung around the neck. (It also works on vampires!)
- Vick’s Vapo Rub in your socks. Aunt Mildred sent that article about how it cured a girl in Australia, so it must be true. Aunt Mildred has always been smart like that.
- Leeches applied to your pulse points.
- A tallow poultice on your abdomen (although this treatment is not recommended if you own a large dog).
- A Philly cheesesteak from John’s Roast Pork. Ask for the ‘Extra Whiz Special’ and eat it upside-down.
- Animal sacrifices (sheep or rooster ONLY) over a fire made of birch bark.
So, get with the program, kids. There’s a new director in town and I’m going to Make America Healthy Again! But right now, I have to go watch my stories.