Define yourself

Stéphanie de Geus
Aug 22, 2017 · 3 min read
Photo copyright Stéphanie de Geus

I have always defined myself as a good person or not by what I do. Do I do a good job at job something, that means I’m a good person. Am I being critiqued, talked down or do I get negative feedback it means I’m not doing a good job. This means that in my, slightly screwed up head, I am not good enough.

And that takes a toll on your mental health.

Now, I can make all kinds of excuses for this or just to simply explain where it came from. Like: I was bullied when I grew up (true), I wasn’t top of the class (also true), and received a lot of negative feedback when studying journalism (true as well). Or I can even point towards the time where I disappeared and in a relationship and had no voice of my own for well over a year (very true).

But to be honest saying things like that feels like excuses. And even though they contributed to where I am now and how I see myself, this is not the root of the problem.

The problem is that I am an A-level person, but I never saw myself as that. I worked hard for what I wanted and pushed myself ultimately just as hard. My goal became my dream and I lost myself in what I was doing more than once. And when that happens you are connecting yourself to the end goal and that’s where you take a nose dive into becoming too connected to your job.

You start to reflect your progress on that goal to your own personality. Is the goal not moving forward? Then it must be wrong. You’re doing it wrong, or you just don’t have what it takes.

Very recently someone sat me down and told me I needed to learn to separate identity and role. He wasn’t the first one who told me that, but in the way he explained it, it finally started to click.

Doing a ‘bad job’ on something (role), doesn’t mean that I am a bad person (identity). And while he explained it so simply that I just had to agree, it’s easier said than done.

When you’re an A-level person that also tries to create things as a writer, photographer, or just as an artist, it’s hard to separate the two. Because as an artist you see what you create as an extension of your soul.

So here’s what I’ve decided: I am just going to have fun. I am going to do things that I want to do, but most of all experiment. Some of my recent photos got questions like ‘So is there a story behind this?’ or ‘What’s the idea behind this?’. And the answer was ‘because it’s fun’.

Sure images are stronger with a good idea and story behind them. I’m getting there. For now, I’m just experimenting, having fun, learning and finding my style, but most of all: having fun!

)

Stéphanie de Geus

Written by

Storyteller & blogger. Inspires with stories. Lover of books, vintage cameras, climbing and tea addict. Moving towards living sustainably. Vegan since 2014.

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